[Opening Narration] This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as "Rich!" Jessica likes life, and the only thing Jessica would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music. The Tates have more secrets than they do money. We’re approaching Mary Campbell’s house. Mary, too, likes life. Unfortunately, life doesn’t seem to be too crazy about her. As you can see, the Campbells don’t have nearly as much money as the Tates. They do, however, have as many secrets.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Opening Narration] Remember the Tates? Jessica and her husband Chester? Chester's the guy who fools around with everyone but his wife. And poor Jessica, because Chester's been so busy, has taken up with Peter the tennis pro, who in turn has been busy with Jessica's daughter Corrine. Of course, Jessica doesn't know Peter's been busy with Corrine and Chester's been busy with everyone. Jessica just wishes she had gone shopping instead. Remember the Campbells? Jessica's sister Mary and her second husband Burt? The Campbells have problems. Mary has two problems, her son Danny is in the Mob. Her son Jodie is gay. Danny and Burt have a problem. They don't get along. Jodie and Burt have a problem, they don't get along either. Mary and Burt have a problem, Burt can't make love to Mary and she doesn't know why. Burt has the biggest problem of all, he knows why. He murdered her first husband. We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Jessica's tennis lesson.
[Mary walks in to find her son, Jodie, wearing women's clothing]
Jodie?! What in the world are you doing?
Ma...
Look at you! My wig, my necklace, my best dress-- Oh! You wear that belted!
Yes.
I never thought of wearing it belted. It looks much better that way.
Sure. It breaks up the straight line here, and then it just blouses slightly at the waist.
Well, that's much more slimming.
Definitely.
Jodie, get out of my clothes.
Mother! Sit down.
Jodie! Come on!
Mother, how would you like a daughter?
What are you talking about?
Sit down, Mom.
Jodie, just tell me.
I'm thinking of having a sex-change operation.
[laughs] A sex-change operation. A sex-change operation.
Right.
I better sit down.
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, we discovered not only Jessica and her daughter are having an affair with Peter the tennis pro, but that Peter is Burt Campbell's long lost son. As for Burt Campbell, Mary's second husband, he can no longer make love to her. But this is nothing because Burt doesn't know that Mary's son Danny, in order to leave the Mob, has to kill the man who killed his father. Danny doesn't know that that man's Burt yet. Mary's other son Jodie is contemplating becoming her daughter. Life is also not exactly a bed of roses for Jessica's husband Chester, his affair with his secretary Claire has become complicated by the fact that she is now blackmailing him. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Peter's arrival at the Tate home.
I just can't believe it. I cannot believe it! I mean, it's just a small, small world. I can't get over it! I mean, my long, lost son from Hawaii comes to Connecticut and winds up teaching my sister-in-law and her daughter tennis.
Bet that ain't all he teaches!
And then, and this is really incredible, my sister-in-law and her daughter don't know they have the same tennis teacher. Plus which, he doesn't know they are mother and daughter. And then... and then to top it all off, no one, but no one knows he's my son!
So what, Burt?
So, it's a small, small world. And, I can't get over it. Can you?
Yes.
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Mary realizes that Jessica and Corrine are playing something other than tennis with Peter the tennis pro. Neither Jessica nor Corrine realize that they are both engaged in a game of mixed doubles. Jessica is so overwhelmed with guilt, she attempts to confess her affair to Chester, but Chester isn't listening because he is so overwhelmed by his secretary Claire's blackmail attempts. Meanwhile, at the Campbell's, Mary has threatened to move out unless Burt and Danny try to get along. Getting along with his stepfather Burt becomes even more difficult for Danny once the Godfather tells him Burt was the man who killed his father. Since the Mob will kill Danny if he doesn't kill Burt, Danny realizes trying to please his mother will be a problem. But Mary's problems don't end there, since her other son Jodie is about to become her daughter. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
BBilly
Sex. We also learned it in school. Of course in school they teach us about chickens and fruit flies mating. You know?
Chester, what would a chicken see in a fruit fly?
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Chester's secretary Claire had arranged for Chester's mistress Pigeon to find them together at lunch, thus ending Chester's relationship with Pigeon. But that's not all, Claire has threatened to report Chester's illegal business activities, if Chester doesn't divorce Jessica. Jessica has tried to end it with Peter but couldn't, but tells Mary she'll see him again to see if she can. Jodie has found that his quarterback boyfriend, in order to protect his image, has a girlfriend. Jodie tells him since he's planning a sex change operation for that very same reason, his boyfriend can get rid of his girlfriend. Danny has tried to follow the Godfather's order's to kill Burt but couldn't. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
It's incredible we have something in common.
Yeah, we both date guys.
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Danny once again tried to kill Burt, but couldn't. Corrine tried to talk Father Timothy Flotsky into leaving the church and going with her but couldn't. Unable to have the only man she wanted, Corrine decided to move in with Peter. Meanwhile, Jessica was telling Peter she could never see him again. Corrine walked in and found her mother kissing Peter, little did she know her mother was kissing him off. Corrine, unable to have Father Tim, the man she wants, can't live with him and finding the man she has with her mother, cant live at home and since she has to live somewhere, she decides to move in with Peter anyway. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother.
Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead?
That's the one.
I can't believe it. I mean, it took me twenty years to believe she did it with Daddy.
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica apologized to Corrine for having an affair with Peter, but Corrine refused to forgive her mother and moved out of the house and in with Peter, leaving Jessica sad and Chester mad. Burt received a telegram announcing the arrival of his other son Chuck and Chuck's little wooden doll, Bob, who Chuck thinks is real. The Godfather gave Danny a key to a cabin in the woods, where a gun is hidden in the fire place and told him he must take Burt there within two days and kill him or the Mob will kill Danny. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[to Chuck] I love your family. This is great. Your father just laughs and stutters. The dame just sits. One guy's a fruit and the other guy's got an IQ slightly higher than kelp.
[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, another of Burt's sons, Chuck, and Bob, his wooden doll, arrived from Hawaii. Much to their horror, the Campbells discovered that Chuck believes that Bob is really real. Although he really isn't real, he is really obnoxious. Claire told Chester she was going to tell Jessica everything, but Chester didn't believe her. Much to Chester's surprise, Claire did tell Jessica everything, only Jessica didn't believe her. Or did she? Following the Godfather's orders, Danny invited Burt to a cabin in the woods in order to kill him. Burt thought he was going in order to fish. Imagine his surprise when he found a pistol pointed at his head. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode where we left off, with Danny about to kill Burt.
It's a business trip.
Hey come on, Danny. I know what business you're in. We'll get a lawyer. We'll go to the police.
If we go to the police, I'll be in jail when they kill me. If we get a lawyer, I'll be broke when they kill me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Soap pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.