Soap quotes

Heinrich

Impotence? How classically American! A problem we do not have in Germany! No impotence, no smog...

Bob

No Jews...

Benson

[visiting Jessica in jail] I'm with the firm of Honeycutt, Pringle, Kaplan, and Black. I'm Black.

Chester

Why are you posing as a lawyer?

Benson

[while visiting Jessica] Cause I couldn't get in to see her as a butler.

Mary

Why in the world are you doing this?

Jessica

Oh Mary, let's face it; being a suspected murderess I am nothing but a burden to Chester and an embarrassment to the entire family. Now if I were needed there, that would be one thing. I mean I would still be a burden and a stigma but I would be a needed one.

Jodie

The door was locked, Burt.

Burt

Of course it was locked. I'm takin' a bath.

Danny

Burt, you've been in here a day and a half now.

Burt

So what are we doing now, timing people in the bathroom?

Jessica

Chester, all my life people have always believed me. See I have that kind of face. My mother once said to me "Jessica, with a face like that you could get away with murder."

[referring to Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob, and Burt] I have for character witnesses Al Capone, Tinkerbell, Punch and Judy, and the Invisible Man.

Narrator

[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Burt, who thinks he's invisible, went to see Dr. Medlow. Since he isn't really invisible, Dr. Medlow saw Burt, and from what he saw, he suggested to Mary that she see about having him committed. While Eunice hid on a ledge to avoid being caught by congressman McCallum's wife, a nervous McCallum mistakenly gave the blackmailer's photographs to the New York News. In these photos, he and Eunice are definitely overexposed. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

Burt

I love bagels. Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods which is something most people don't know. For instance, there's actually no safe way to slice a bagel. Except maybe you get someone to go it for you. You have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half along with a bagel.

You sure took your time getting here.

Eunice

Took my time? I'm standing on a ledge in a rainstorm and I took my time. What was I supposed to do? Jump down 38 floors on a messenger to stop him?

No, my luck you'd miss.

Narrator

[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Elaine told Danny that if he tried to put an end to their relationship, she would have her father put an end to Danny. Burt ended up agreeing to go to an institution where he could hopefully put an end to his invisibility. Meanwhile, Jessica might end up behind bars since the judge she's ended up with once invested and lost $40,000 with Chester. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

Jessica

[arriving late in court] We simply could not find a parking spot outside. I thought surely there would be one reserved for the defendant, but there wasn't. Everything was marked "Official Parking Only." And Chester said, "This is just another example of the idiotic inefficiency of the judicial system."

Carol

And you're Jodie?

Jodie

You sound surprised.

Carol

You're the suicidal homosexual?

Jodie

Do we have mutual friends?

Carol

Well no, no it just says uh-

Jodie

What did you expect? That I'd be in a dress with a noose around my neck?

Carol

I guess what threw me is that you're so adorable.

Jodie

Most suicidal homosexuals are.

Narrator

[Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family. Despite Burt's invisibility, Mary's hostility, Jodie's homosexuality, and Chuck and Bob's insanity, Elaine wants to marry him anyway. Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children. Meanwhile at Jessica's trial, Mallu's assistant Carol has asked Jodie out even though he's gay. Jodie has accepted even though she's a girl. Jessica turned her trial into a tea party, and then tried to leave when the prosecutor said nasty things about her and spoiled the fun. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

Amazing recall, Mr. Benson. Absolutely amazing retention of detail.

Benson

Thank you.

Tell me. Is this some sort of voodoo way of knowing that you people have or what?

I object.

Benson

I do too.