Bob Campbell quotes from Soap

Bob

[to Chuck] I love your family. This is great. Your father just laughs and stutters. The dame just sits. One guy's a fruit and the other guy's got an IQ slightly higher than kelp.

Heinrich

Impotence? How classically American! A problem we do not have in Germany! No impotence, no smog...

Bob

No Jews...

Mary

Burt's missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime, and he wasn't there.

Bob

He never was, if you know what I mean.

Mary

What if he never comes home?

Bob

Drinks are on me.

Burt

Life plays funny tricks.

Bob

[to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.

Danny

Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.

Burt

You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at this bad thing that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.

Danny

Life is unfair to do that!

Jodie

I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.

Burt

What do you mean "I never throw up"?

Jodie

I never throw up!

Burt

[laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."

Danny

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.

Jodie

Oh, yeah?

Danny

Yeah!

Jodie

Okay. Take your best shot.

Danny

Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...

Bob

[revolted] Stop! Stop!

Danny

I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...

Jodie

Get me a spoon.

Danny

And it's out in the hot sun...

Jodie

Oh, I love it.

Danny

And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.

Bob

[gagging] Oh, god! Stop!

Jodie

See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.

Danny

I'll stick my fingers down your throat.