Mary Campbell quotes from Soap

Mary

I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

Mary

Jodie?! What in the world are you doing?

Jodie

Ma...

Mary

Look at you! My wig, my necklace, my best dress-- Oh! You wear that belted!

Jodie

Yes.

Mary

I never thought of wearing it belted. It looks much better that way.

Jodie

Sure. It breaks up the straight line here, and then it just blouses slightly at the waist.

Mary

Well, that's much more slimming.

Jodie

Definitely.

Mary

Jodie, get out of my clothes.

Jodie

Mother! Sit down.

Mary

Jodie! Come on!

Jodie

Mother, how would you like a daughter?

Mary

What are you talking about?

Jodie

Sit down, Mom.

Mary

Jodie, just tell me.

Jodie

I'm thinking of having a sex-change operation.

Mary

[laughs] A sex-change operation. A sex-change operation.

Jodie

Right.

Mary

I better sit down.

Mary

Why in the world are you doing this?

Jessica

Oh Mary, let's face it; being a suspected murderess I am nothing but a burden to Chester and an embarrassment to the entire family. Now if I were needed there, that would be one thing. I mean I would still be a burden and a stigma but I would be a needed one.

Mary

[about Elaine] Danny, she's awful. She's selfish and sarcastic, pushy, tactless, cruel, and obnoxious.

Danny

And her father will kill me if I don't marry her.

Mary

People can change.

Mary

Burt's missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime, and he wasn't there.

Bob

He never was, if you know what I mean.

Mary

What if he never comes home?

Bob

Drinks are on me.

Burt

We're going to kill Elaine with kindness.

Mary

Kill her with kindness?

Burt

Right. See Danny's not going to let her dress, eat, or sleep, because nothing's ever good enough for her, and since it;s out of love, she can't get mad at him.

Mary

If it doesn't work, can I just kill her?

Burt

Sure.

Mary

What's been going on with you three?

Jessica

Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them.

Mary

Sounds like fun.

Jessica

Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.

Corinne

I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.

Mary

It's pornography.

Jessica

Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

Corinne

He's here because of me.

Jessica

Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you.

Corinne

It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town.

Mary

Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town.

Corinne

Yes, I did.

Jessica

Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor?

Corinne

Yeah.

You slept with the mayor?

Jessica

[disgusted] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him.

Mary

I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson.

Corinne

I slept with him, too.

Mary

You did?

Corinne

Believe me, the best man won.