Burt Campbell quotes from Soap

Burt

I love bagels. Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods which is something most people don't know. For instance, there's actually no safe way to slice a bagel. Except maybe you get someone to go it for you. You have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half along with a bagel.

Burt

Seven of my men are gonna be off today because it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. You know, what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish - two of 'em are black and one's an Indian.

Burt

A break is fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for guys on girders forty stories up to be horsing around with a Frisbee.

Burt

I just can't believe it. I cannot believe it! I mean, it's just a small, small world. I can't get over it! I mean, my long, lost son from Hawaii comes to Connecticut and winds up teaching my sister-in-law and her daughter tennis.

Benson

Bet that ain't all he teaches!

Burt

And then, and this is really incredible, my sister-in-law and her daughter don't know they have the same tennis teacher. Plus which, he doesn't know they are mother and daughter. And then... and then to top it all off, no one, but no one knows he's my son!

Chester

So what, Burt?

Burt

So, it's a small, small world. And, I can't get over it. Can you?

Chester

Yes.

Jodie

The door was locked, Burt.

Burt

Of course it was locked. I'm takin' a bath.

Danny

Burt, you've been in here a day and a half now.

Burt

So what are we doing now, timing people in the bathroom?

Jodie

[about Mary] I don't know what to do about it.

Burt

Just do it a few more times you'll be hooked - it's like pretzels!

Burt

We're going to kill Elaine with kindness.

Mary

Kill her with kindness?

Burt

Right. See Danny's not going to let her dress, eat, or sleep, because nothing's ever good enough for her, and since it;s out of love, she can't get mad at him.

Mary

If it doesn't work, can I just kill her?

Burt

Sure.

Burt

Life plays funny tricks.

Bob

[to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.

Danny

Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.

Burt

You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at this bad thing that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.

Danny

Life is unfair to do that!

Jodie

I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.

Burt

What do you mean "I never throw up"?

Jodie

I never throw up!

Burt

[laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."

Danny

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.

Jodie

Oh, yeah?

Danny

Yeah!

Jodie

Okay. Take your best shot.

Danny

Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...

Bob

[revolted] Stop! Stop!

Danny

I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...

Jodie

Get me a spoon.

Danny

And it's out in the hot sun...

Jodie

Oh, I love it.

Danny

And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.

Bob

[gagging] Oh, god! Stop!

Jodie

See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.

Danny

I'll stick my fingers down your throat.