Tony Stonem quotes from Skins

Tony

I always loved you the best, Sid.

Tony

Tonight's the night, Sid. You finally pop the cherry, you finally get the VIP tour of Neverland, you finally...

Sid

Fuck off. [mutters] 'Finally'.

Tony

Alright, who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?

Michelle

Cassie?

Sid

No, she's still in hospital.

Michelle

No, they let her out; she's just not allowed to handle knives.

Sid

[defeated] Alright, she'll do.

Tony

Okay we'll have to get a lot of drugs. Tell you what: get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.

Sid

I've got to get an ounce of spliff?

Tony

Sure. There's this guy on Bradley Stoke who'll sell on tick; tell him you'll pay tomorrow.

Sid

Why don't you go?

Tony

Can't. Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.

Michelle

Cassie's great in the sack... as long as she's not hungry.

Sid

Who says?

Everyone.

Tony

I say this world extends way beyond this little field of dreams we're dancing in, and I wanna see that world.

Chris

What the fuck's he on about?

He's quoting, Chris. It's a literary reference.

Chris

What do you mean, like Shakespeare and shit?

Dawson's Creek.

Tony

How's the treatment going, Cassie?

Cassie

Oh, it's cool. I wear a white dress and now I can eat yogurt, cup-a-soup, and hazelnuts now. I'm not sick if they let me play with the cats. Yeah, it's like... hazy days, y'know?

Tony

Well, that's encouraging...

Tony

You stink.

Sid

I didn't have time.

Tony

Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am, with my English coursework.

Sid

English coursework? [in dismay] Oh fuck...

Tony

You know, Sid, sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning. You're such a complete and total fucking waste of time and... [angered, Cassie discreetly nudges her plate, spilling Sid's Coca Cola on Tony's trousers] Ah, shit!

Cassie

Wow, Tony. Bummer, It looks like you pissed yourself.

Tony

[furiously] That's not supposed to fucking happen!

Anwar

Look at Tony, man! [laughing] Ah shit man!

Raas blood, white boy gone piss himself up, you get me! Mandem's sick stains! Hey cuz! Yo got serious stains! Him cream up his pussy good style!

Cassie

I'm a bad person. [Sid smiles and nods]

Tony

[sulkily, to Sid] Come on.

Angie

[walking toward Tony while topless] Tony, this is a room for female staff...!

Tony

[staring at Angie's naked breasts] Yeah, the dryer's broken in ours. [Angie puts her hands on her hips disapprovingly, but doesn't cover her chest, letting Tony look]

Sid

[walking in] Oh, there you are. Jesus, we're in trouble. That crazy fucking dealer found us Tony—hi, Angie [Angie quickly uses her hands to cover her breasts]—I mean, we gotta do something, you could talk to him... [noticing that Angie's naked, staring down at her see-through thong] oh, fuck!

Chris

[walking in] Aw, you wankers, that was well funny, man! I bet someone's going to have to apologise because Kenneth's crying now so he... [realises Angie is staring at him] Oh, Jesus Christ, that's Angie, Mary mother of God, that's Angie! Don't look, get out!

Angie

For fuck's sake, fuck off! [after the boys leave she lets her breasts go and watches them bounce] Ah, I still got it.

You try it: no mum, no dad, all on your own.

Tony Stonem

S8 brilliant to me.

Michelle

What the fuck?

Um, excuse me?

Tony

Hi. Just checking Abi's diaphragm contractions.

Michelle

What the hell is going on?

Tony

The simple act of performance, sweetie. What did you think?

Michelle

Bullshit Tony! You fucking sick... God, you're such a wanker!

Tony

Here...

Michelle

Fuck you!

Tony

[In baby voice]: Fluffy teddy bear?

That's my lucky teddy!

Michelle

And you can fuck off too!

Well, Michelle... I'm just wondering why you're overreacting like this?

Michelle

Overreacting!? Right in my face, you whore!

You know, typically, episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe, you know, you need some help with the outbursts. My mother's a psychologist, she could...

Ow! I'll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse-fucker!

Sid

Whoa, good swearing.

Michelle

Bye, Tony.

Tony

Later, Nips.

Tony

Looks like me and Chelle are on a break.

Sid

You did that on purpose?

Tony

Go after her.

Sid

What?

Tony

Come on, man. Life throws up so few opportunities.

Sid

But she's your girlfriend!

Tony

Who you love. [beat] Change. It's a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don't obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and bang! Energy! We're the same as that. That's the great thing about the universe: unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.

Anwar

Now what?

Angie

Walk on.

Anwar

Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.

Tony

Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.

Maxxie

Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.

Sid

What, like more Muslim than he was already?

Maxxie

A bit more Muslim, yeah.

Tony

What happened?

Maxxie

Well, he’s just like, switched about me being, you know-

Tony

Blond?

Maxxie

No.

Tony

Short?

Maxxie

Gay!

Tony

[pause] Shall I give you head?

Maxxie

What?

Tony

[grins] Cheer you up.

Maxxie

For fuck's sake! You're supposed to be my friend Tony and I come in here with a problem, okay?

Maxxie

You fuck...

Tony

We're in Russia! I wanna try something new.

Maxxie

I'm... not a hobby Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here.

Tony

I've been canoeing.

Maxxie

What about Michelle?

Tony

Loves canoeing.

Tony

'Chelle, you all right?

Michelle

[punches Tony in the face] You dirty little fucker, I never want to see your tiny twatty cock ever again.

Tony

What's up, Nips?

Michelle

[kicks Tony in the groin] I was waiting for you to tell me. [crying] Time's up, you wanker! [walks away]

[to Tony] Jesus, what have you done this time? [to Sid] Sid?

Sid

I don't know!

For Christ's sake!

I must say, she's a fiery one.

Maxxie

Tone, shouldn't you, you know, go after her?

Tony

...She'll come back.

Tony

'Chelle! 'Chelle! Hey, Nips! [reciting Shakespeare] It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief.

Sid

Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?

Tony

Sidney?

Sid

She thinks you're a tit.

Tony

She doesn't think I'm a tit.

Sid

Why do you pull all this shit, Tony?

Tony

Look around Sidney. Fuck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You've gotta improvise.

Sid

No matter who you hurt?

Tony

So I messed around with Maxxie a bit. So what? He was bored, I was bored, Michelle was bored, and now we're not. And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.

Sid

You sure?

Tony

Don't be such a dildo, Sid. 'Course she will. [continues reciting Shakespeare] It is my lady! O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses it. I will answer it.

Tony

[in shock] Sid? You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it! Now you're getting it!

Sid

Hang on, you want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead?

Tony

Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighbourhood watch, and won't prosecute.