Effy Stonem quotes from Skins

Effy

Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...

Tony

Just you and me, sis.

Effy

Fucking wanker.

Tony

Eff, what are you talking about?

Effy

Michelle.

Tony

I tried.

Effy

No. Wanker.

Tony

I said sorry!

Effy

Wanker.

Tony

Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.

Effy

[pause] Wanker.

Effy

[About Sid's drawing] "Loser" isn't an emotion.

Sid

It is to me. You think it's shit, don't you?

Effy

Yes.

Sid

I used four biros. And I bought them. [takes them out] Four. You owe me 79 pence.

Sid

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Effy, what're you doing?

Effy

[undressing] I'm going out. You've got 24 hours, Sid, to produce something that doesn't look like coursework for GCSE spaz. [crosses over to her cupboard and takes out a pallet, paint and brush] Dip your brush in that, and don't even think of leaving this room until you've done it. [sits down on the bed in her underwear]

Sid

Listen, I don't think this is working out, yeah? Right, shall we just leave it, okay? I quit.

Sid

[realising what she's doing] All right. All right! I'm doing it.

Effy

[Referring to her efforts in getting Tony and Michelle, and Sid and Cassie back together] It's finished.

Oh? Splendid. And what emotion have you depicted?

Effy

Anger. Jealousy. Bitterness. Tiredness. Hope. Lust. Love.

A veritable feast. So, where is it?

Effy

It's everywhere.

My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.

Effy

It's conceptual. You just can't see it.

You're saying you haven't done it.

Effy

No. I'm saying you can't see it.

Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work for the Anglo–Welsh GCSE board now, is it?

Effy

No. I guess they'll just have to expel me. [grins mischievously] Goodbye, Madame de Luca.

  We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves. Right, I'll start. Christ. Uh, I'm Kieran and I hate being a fucking teacher. You.

  I'm JJ. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.

  Yeah, you've stopped me in my fucking tracks there. Yeah, you.

  I'm Katie. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.

  Congratulations. You.

Emily

  I'm Emily. Never had a boyfriend.

  Shit happens. You.

Naomi

  I'm Naomi. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.

Effy

  I'm Effy and I think my mum's having an affair.

  Good one. Shows enterprise. What about you, big man?

Freddie

  I'm Freddie. I met a girl I liked today. She's like beautiful. That's it.

Effy

[to herself, understanding] You hate her.

Pandora

Who do I hate?

Effy

[beat] I'll let you know.

Pandora

[running off] Come on! We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.

Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time?

Effy

Sometimes I wonder.

Effy! We meet at last!

Effy

Yes.

Pandora's told me so much about you.

Pandora

You know, Eff, your missionary work.

Effy

Yes, I try to do as much of that as I can.

That's good. There're so many bad things in life: boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol...boys. Evil things. I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pool her energy into.

Effy

Well, yes, all the seamen like her.

[beat, stops smiling] Seamen?

Effy

Yes, loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well. We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.

[uncertain] Right...Sounds lovely.

Bet you like playing monster in the dark.

Effy

Looking forward to it.

Naomi

Come on Eff, pyjamas.

Effy

[reluctantly] Whatever.

[anxiously] I can't hang on. I'm going to slip. [scared] COOK! COOK! COOK! COOK!

Effy

[groaning] What the fuck?

What's going on? Are we... Are we next door?

Effy

We're next door.

Hello. I'm Martin. [sits down on the bed] This is Angela.

Hi.

[takes off his glasses] And this is how we have sex.

Oh. That's lovely, Angela.

Thank you, Martin.

Can you rub any harder?

Certainly.

Effy

Any good?

Pandora

I dunno what you mean.

Effy

I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah.

Pandora

There's a whamma lot of things you don't know about me, Eff. Just because I'm useless don't mean that I'm nothing.

Effy

We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.

Pandora

He's not yours, Eff. He never belonged to anyone.

Effy

Shut up.

Pandora

That's why you don't really want him.

Effy

Shut up!

Pandora

He's not the one you want, Eff! See, I know that because I'm your friend but you don't make enough effort, Eff! I'm just there to laugh at. You don't know me. My life, my family, my mum. Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.

Effy

...You're right. I don't know anything about your mum.

Pandora

Sorry, okay.

Effy

Yeah. [pause] Oh Jesus.

Pandora

What?

Effy

Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.

Pandora

Why?

Thomas

Panda! Panda! [Pandora turns around] Panda! Panda, look I'm here. Panda, it's me. Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back. What's wrong?

Effy

Don't be a twat, Thomas, give your girlfriend a hug.

Pandora

[crying] I missed you, I missed you too much.

Effy

  I wanted to see what was in your shed.

Freddie

  My...?

Effy

  Shed. Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.

Freddie

  Everyone?

Effy

  Yeah, it's marvelled at.

Freddie

  So this is it.

Effy

  So what do you and the boys do in here? Braid each others hair and play soggy biscuit?

Freddie

  No. [beat] Not for ages.

You coming, Eff? You soon will be.

Effy

I'd sooner fuck JJ.

I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway.

You didn't get it. I said, "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."

Effy

I got it. Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it. But you're not going to get it. Got it?

Now I'm confused.

Effy

I'm not going anywhere near your Crayola dick. I know where it's been.

Freddie

  We'd be good together. Don't you think?

Effy

  No.

Freddie

  Why?

Effy

  Because I'll break your heart.

Freddie

  Maybe I'll break yours.

Effy

  Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?