Schemer quotes from Shining Time Station

Please, remove all of this equipment at once! Good day. [leaves]

Boy, oh, boy. Who does he think he is?

Harry

He is J.B. King, Schemer! Superintendent of the whole railroad!

Yikes. Open foot, insert in mouth.

It's the real man with his head on backwards! It's the real man with his head on backwards! (screams and jumps over the desk)

Stacy

Was that Schemer?

Harry

I do believe it was.

Stacy

Were his clothes on backwards?

Harry

I do believe they were.

What, may I ask, is the meaning of this?

[sleepily] Do be a love and scratch my foot, won't you? [notices Mr. King] Ah, hello, J.B. [suddenly reacts and is now wide awake] Mr. J.B. King, Esq., exalted head. The meaning of this! Yes. Uh, ah, yes. The meaning of this is that it is a managerial retreat. Yes. It's especially restful for important business-type people like yourself and I.

Put a sock in it, Schemer!!

[in the opening act of the show] The Scheme Master right here would like to tell you a little comic riddle. [laughs] It's a killer. Okay. All right, listen, here it is. [laughs again] I love this. What is green,... [quietly] Green. [continues] ...has six legs,... [under his breath] Six legs. [finishes] ...and if it drops out of a tree on your head, it'll squish you like a bug? [laughs] Okay. Nobody can guess? I'll hafta tell ya, then.

[raises her hand] I know! A pool table.

Stacy

Oh! Very good!

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Smartypants-Know-It-All.

Yeah, what?

Doesn't she win anything?

No! This isn't a game show! I'm not givin' away money! I'm tryin' to do some jokes here! Come on, people! Sit up straight, pay attention, and let's start to laugh at Schemer! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! I'm workin' hard up here!

All right, ladies. Just keep going around in a circle.

Ah! My dear Midge Smoot.

Don't you dare "Midge Smoot" me! Why, you're lucky my dog is better. After eating two of your cookies, he was sick all afternoon.

How's my little pooch, huh?

[intimidated] Sheesh! Now, is that any way for him to treat his master?!

Billy

Respect works both ways.

All right. I'll show him some respect. [holds out a nickel] Here's a nickel!

Now, why did he do that?!

Billy

I don't know. Maybe because you tied him up and you didn't take him for a walk. You didn't feed him. You didn't clean up after him.

Anything else?

Billy

You didn't play with him!

Schemer, you stole all our money!

What are you talkin' about? What money?

Kara

The one for Stacy's party, and you ate all our fudge.

Hey, I did not steal any money, and I did not eat any...

Frankly, I had a couple pieces. But eating the food gave me a good idea. See? Fruit cakes, made by my mommy, five cents apiece. [laughs]

Billy

Schemer, did you make Becky spend all her money?

No, I didn't.

Did too!

Did not!

Did too!

Did not!

Did too!

DID NOT!

Actually, he didn't.

See? I didn't. [to Becky] I didn't?

I guess I could've said no. But I just got carried away.

She could've said no, but she got carried away.

Billy

Did you know the fudge was for Stacy's party?

[exasperatedly] Stacy's party. Stacy's party! Who cares about Stacy's party? Some stupid party I wasn't invited to, anyway.

Billy

Oh, you do care, and you are invited.

I am?

He is?

Billy

Of course he is! [takes Schemer's fruit cake stand] But it wouldn't be much of a party without fruit cakes.

Hello, everyone, we got a special birthday announcement for the mayor; it's the mayor's birthday today...

No, it's not my birthday. It's my wife's birthday!

I'm sorry, it's his wife's birthday! Her name is Tuna Melt, and she's crispy on the outside, and she's soft on the inside. That's her name, and... [hands the mayor his microphone]

Her name is Twylene! Hello, Twylene, dear. It's me, Twylene, yes, your husband!

[with Stacy's personality] Oh, uh, uh, ah-ah, I'm-I'm sorry, Stacy. Do you have a moment?

Stacy

[with Schemer's personality] Yeah, but not for you. [laughs like Schemer]

Well, I think that this would be an excellent time for us to be resetting our watch before Mr. King comes. Otherwise, we could be failing the inspection.

Stacy

[gasps] Oooh! Oh!, Oh, oh! I'm so scared! Well, listen. I'm a busy woman. I've got an arcade to run here, and beside, I've got to polish my nickels.

[signs] Stacy, please. Please, take a watch today. Please, Stacy. Oh...

Stacy? Schemer? Schemer? Stacy?

That robot is fallen in love with jukebox! [whines]

Stacy

Schemer! Oh, you can't be serious.

Stacy, we're not going camping in the rain, are we?

Stacy

No. I think we're gonna have to camp out in the station tonight.

[laughs] Camp out in the station. Talk about survival!

Stacy

Well, what are you gonna do? You haven't packed any sleeping bags or blankets.

Kara

No food, no lanterns.

No raincoats, no flashlights.

[through his bullhorn] Who cares? Real men know how to survive in the w--

Real men know how to survive in the woods using their basic instincts. For example, if we get hungry, we'll just eat bugs and bees and bark like the bears do. And if it starts raining, why we'll just build a log cabin. In short, Miss Jones, we'll be living off the land like that great American frontiersman: Pat Boone.

Okay, I admit it! I admit it! I don't know anything about camping! But please! Please! Please keep that mountain lion away from me!

Mountain lion? There are no mountain lions in this neck of the woods.

Yes, there are! It's a mountain lion! It had a big furry tail, and little eyes, and little tiny legs, and... [imitates chomping] Chompin' on nuts.

Stacy

Oh, Schemer. That does not sound like a mountain lion. To me, it sounds like a squirrel.

A squirrel? [calms down] Well, it sure looked like a mountain lion.

Stacy

Okay, Schemer. Why don't you come here and sit down with us? We'll get you dry, get you something to eat.

Oh, no, no. I don't want anymore food. I'm too full. I think I ate too many sandwiches.

Kara

Hey, Schemer, how'd you get out of the creek?

Gettin' outta the creek was easy. Gettin' outta the swamp-- Now, that was hard! I pulled myself up by this branch, but then it got really scary and everything, 'cause it was dark, and I was... [sobs hysterically] I thought I was a goner, and then that was it. I thought I'd never see Schemer again. But then I heard this little whistle.

Stacy

A little whistle?

Yeah. It was like this little whistle, and I didn't know where the heck the sound came from. So I start following the sound of this little whistle, I'm going through the woods, and all of a sudden, here I am at Shining Time Station. But I was kind of afraid to come in, because I kinda thought that the kids wouldn't wanna see the old Schemer again.

Stacy

Well, Schemer, it sounds like you learned your lesson the hard way.

Yeah. Never go campin' without my mommy. I'm a failure.

[after finding out Schemee took his technique too far] Come on. He's just a child, and he's my nephew. I don't think it's appropriate that you punish him.

Why not?

Because I'm going to.

Ah! Ah, Ma'am. Uh, Ma'am, uh, there you are. My client, Mr. Schemer, is hoping that you could re-sign this.

Stacy

Yes, uh,... Your client? Ma'am? Since when do you call me ma'am?!

Uh, it's just a little joke, Jonesy,-- Miss Ma'am,-- Miss Jones.

Stacy

Yeah, and it's also important to remember who your friends aren't! Who would take advantage of someone for their own, low, mean-spirited personal gains?!

Ouch.

Uh, I take it that means you are declining my client's offer?

Billy

What are you doing here?

I just - was trying to protect my arcade.