Stacy quotes from Shining Time Station

Stacy

[upon seeing the children fixated on the television sets] Holy couch potato! That's it! No more TV.

[views the new schedule] Impossible! Ridiculous! And foolishness! This new train schedule is tommyrot, balderdash, and cuckoo. There isn't a train on Earth that can go from Point Pokey to Cloggyville in 11 seconds. It's 14 miles, and look here-- From Doodletown to Turley in 18 hours. Well, it's impossible. Why, I can walk from Doodletown to Turley in 15 minutes, and I'm only 18 inches tall! I'll just have to write the correct times in here.

Stacy

What are you doing? Stop that! Those are the new train schedules from the railroad company. I am the only one who can change those schedules.

Well, it may be new, but it's not a train schedule.

Stacy

Give me that pencil!

Never! You can't get from Buttertown to Chubby Corners in four seconds! [disappears]

The name is Osgood Bob Flopdinger. I'm the mayor of East Shemp. And I'm looking for a man called Schemer. I never saw him before, but I know his voice. Have you seen him?

Stacy

Oh. Mayor Flopdinger! We spoke on the phone earlier.

Earlier than who?! [calmly] Never mind. The point is this. Have you tried that sandwich spread of his?

Stacy

Yes, I have tried it.

Well, then I don't have to tell you that this stuff is inedible by man nor beast. My shaving cream tastes better than this.

Stacy

I'll tell Schemer you stopped by.

Thank you very much. And tell Mr. Schemer that if he doesn't have a new, improved version of his sandwich spread in time for lunch, he's in big trouble! And not only with me, but also with every one of the Friends of the Flowering Cactus Ladies' Auxiliary. And that's not funny. Believe me, I speak from experience.

It's the real man with his head on backwards! It's the real man with his head on backwards! (screams and jumps over the desk)

Stacy

Was that Schemer?

Harry

I do believe it was.

Stacy

Were his clothes on backwards?

Harry

I do believe they were.

Stacy

[on the phone] Hello? Shining Time Station. Stacy Jones speaking. Oh, hi, Claire. Oh, you want to bring Vickie here this afternoon?

Stacy

Oh, sure, no problem. Okay. Glad to be of some help. I'll see you in a little bit. [hangs up; to the children] What is your problem?!

Matt

Vickie! She's horrible!

Stacy

Oh, she's not horrible.

Yes, she is. She's mean and nasty and selfish and rude.

Stacy

Okay, okay, okay. Now, come on. Nobody can be that bad.

Vickie can!

Stacy

Oh, now come on, you guys. She must have some good qualities. Think about it.

Well,... No.

Stacy

Come on, you two.

Matt

Well, both her eyes are the same color.

Stacy

Oh, Matt.

She never threw up on me.

Stacy

Tanya!

Well, she does have a pretty good singing voice.

Stacy

Great! Then you can sing carols together.

No. She never does anything you tell her to.

Matt

Yeah, and she never smiles, even when you say something funny to her.

Stacy

All right. Listen, you guys. I told her mother that she can come here and play, so I want you to be nice to her, okay?

Matt

Will Santa know we've been nice?

Stacy

Oh, yeah. Santa will know, and so will Vickie. I hope.

Miss Jones!

Stacy

Yes, sir!

There's a train leaving the station. It's... It's impossible!

Stacy

No, it's not, Mr. King. Nothing's impossible, unless you stop believing in it.

[in the opening act of the show] The Scheme Master right here would like to tell you a little comic riddle. [laughs] It's a killer. Okay. All right, listen, here it is. [laughs again] I love this. What is green,... [quietly] Green. [continues] ...has six legs,... [under his breath] Six legs. [finishes] ...and if it drops out of a tree on your head, it'll squish you like a bug? [laughs] Okay. Nobody can guess? I'll hafta tell ya, then.

[raises her hand] I know! A pool table.

Stacy

Oh! Very good!

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Smartypants-Know-It-All.

Yeah, what?

Doesn't she win anything?

No! This isn't a game show! I'm not givin' away money! I'm tryin' to do some jokes here! Come on, people! Sit up straight, pay attention, and let's start to laugh at Schemer! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! I'm workin' hard up here!

Stacy

Hiya, Barton! How was the race?

It was totally ... You should've seen me. I was out at the starting gate like greased lightning, way ahead of the pack. Well, there was one cat just ahead of me. I poured on the speed. And there we were, rounding the last bend neck and neck, and then wailing down toward the finish line! I gunned it! He gunned it! Engines roared! [imitates engines roaring] What a cat! He took me! [calmly] I lost.

Stacy

[looks at the new uniforms] Oh, boy, look at that.

Billy

TST. I like the sound of that.

Stacy

Yeah. [looks at the back] "The Schemer Team"?

Matt

Well, Schemer did pay for the uniforms. [Mr. Conductor appears on his baseball bat]

Maybe they'll look better when they're on.

Kara

Mr. Conductor, are you okay?

Matt

Sorry, Mr. Conductor. I didn't see you there.

[gets back on his feet] Oh, that's all right, Matt. Yes, Kara. I'm as right as rain. I landed as a soft pop fly, you might say.

Kara

[after Mr. Conductor's story] I'm glad the forest has grown back.

Forests do that. Leaves do, too. But friendships-- They can't grow back once they're broken. That's why we always have to take care of them.

Kara

Tea sets don't grow at all.

Stacy

[approaches with her newly-repaired teapot] But thank goodness for glue!

Kara

[notices the pot's cracks] But it's still cracked. I'm sorry. Next time you tell me not to touch something, I won't do it.

Stacy

Apology accepted. But you know, besides, I like these cracks. It gives it character, and it makes me think of all of you.

Stacy, are you calling me a crackpot?!

[with Stacy's personality] Oh, uh, uh, ah-ah, I'm-I'm sorry, Stacy. Do you have a moment?

Stacy

[with Schemer's personality] Yeah, but not for you. [laughs like Schemer]

Well, I think that this would be an excellent time for us to be resetting our watch before Mr. King comes. Otherwise, we could be failing the inspection.

Stacy

[gasps] Oooh! Oh!, Oh, oh! I'm so scared! Well, listen. I'm a busy woman. I've got an arcade to run here, and beside, I've got to polish my nickels.

[signs] Stacy, please. Please, take a watch today. Please, Stacy. Oh...

Stacy? Schemer? Schemer? Stacy?

Well, I'm here to work. What's our first step?

Billy

Uh, your first step, Mr. Conductor, is to watch your step. That shelf hasn't been... [the shelf comes off, and Mr. Conductor slides down] ...nailed in.

Stacy

Mr. Conductor, are you all right?

Alright?! I appear for work and fall off a shelf? I've had better jobs, I'll tell ya.

I smell a story here.

Stacy

[offers a clothespin] Oh, Mr. Typo! Here.

Oh, that's much better.

Stacy

Yeah, the garbage train outside has no place to go.

"Garbage Dump Opens at Shining Time Station"!

Stacy

No, no, no, Mr. Typo! We've got to figure something out.

That robot is fallen in love with jukebox! [whines]

Stacy

Schemer! Oh, you can't be serious.

Stacy

Ginny, please, just try to calm down and tell us what happened.

Well, you know my dog.

Stacy

Yes. The one you renamed Mr. Filthy?

Well, this time, he's really gone and done it. I took the turkey outta the oven, and he's lookin' at it like a pointer. And I thought: "That's kinda cute", when all of a sudden, he lunged, attacked, ran out the back door with it and tore it to shreds! [frets] And now, I don't have a turkey.

Kara

Mr. Filthy is a bad dog.

From now on, his new name is Mr. Get-Outta-There. What am I gonna do? My nephew and his wife are comin' for dinner.

Stacy

You know something? There's a place in Dillylick that has pre-cooked turkeys, and I'm sure they're open for at least another half an hour.

I can't make it to Dillylick.

Billy

You could if I took you there.

You'd do that for me?!

Billy

Sure.

[sets to leave] Oh, come on. Let's go. Time's a-wastin'!