A character in Sherlock
Played by Martin Freeman
Sherlock · 206 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Sherlock: in 106 of its 206 quotes
Most scenes with: Sherlock Holmes (88), Inspector Lestrade (11), Mrs Hudson (7)
[John's current girlfriend, Jeanette, offers Sherlock a drink]
No thank you Sarah.
John Watson[hurriedly trying to turn her away] Uh, no, no, no, no, no. He’s not good with names.
No-no-no, I can get this. No, Sarah was the doctor; and then there was the one with the spots; and then the one with the nose; and then ... who was after the boring teacher?
Nobody.
Jeanette! [grins falsely at her] Ah, process of elimination.
How’s the hip?
Ooh, it’s atrocious, but thanks for asking.
I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems.
[awkward silence]
Oh, God. Sorry.
Don't make jokes Molly.
No. Sorry. [Lestrade hands her a glass of red wine] Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you were gonna be in Dorset for Christmas.
That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife. We’re back together. It’s all sorted.
[offhandedly] No, she's sleeping with a P.E. teacher.
[Lestrade’s smile becomes rather fixed. Molly turns to John]
And John. I hear you’re off to your sister’s, is that right?
John WatsonYeah.
Sherlock was complaining- [gets a dirty look from Shelock] -Saying...
John WatsonFirst time ever, she’s cleaned up her act. She’s off the booze.
[offhandedly] Nope.
John WatsonShut up Sherlock.
John WatsonI am really sorry.
You know, my friends are so wrong about you.
John WatsonHmm?
You're a great boyfriend.
John Watson[surprised] Okay, that’s good. I mean, I always thought I was great.
And Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.
John Watson[groans] Jeanette please-
No, I mean it. It’s heart-warming. You’ll do anything for him – and he can’t even tell your girlfriends apart.
John WatsonNo, I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me what it is I’m not doing. Tell me!
Don’t make me compete with Sherlock Holmes.
John WatsonI’ll walk your dog for you. Hey, I’ve said it now. I’ll even walk your dog-
I don't have a dog!
John WatsonNo, because that was...the last one. Okay.
Jesus!
[Jeanette storms out]
John WatsonI'll call you!
No!
John WatsonOkay.
[John turns back to face the rest of the room]
That really wasn’t very good, was it?
John Watson[On Sherlock] He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Does that make me special?
John WatsonI don't know, maybe.
Are you jealous?
John WatsonWe're not a couple.
Yes you are. [Texting] There. "I'm not dead. Let's have dinner."
John WatsonWho the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but... for the record, if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay.
Well, I am. Look at us both.
[After Mrs Hudson has been attacked]
John WatsonShe'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.
No.
Nonsense, she's fine.
John WatsonNo she's not, look at her! She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. [To Mrs Hudson] Doctor's orders.
Don't be absurd.
John WatsonShe's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone! Where is it, anyway?
Safest place I know.
[Mrs Hudson pulls the phone out from the front of her blouse]
You left it in the pocket of your second best dressing gown, you clot. [Hands the phone to Sherlock] I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson!
John WatsonShame on me?
Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!
I told you that camera phone was my life. I know when it's in my hands.
Oh, you're rather good.
You're not so bad.
[There is an awkward pause]
John WatsonHamish [Both turn and stare at him] John Hamish Watson. Just if you were looking for baby names.
Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing, John's expressed that in every possible variant available to the English language.
I would have you, right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.
[A long silence in which Sherlock and Irene maintain eye contact]
...John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?
John Watson[Looking stunned]...I'm on it, yeah.
...I've never begged for mercy in my life.
Twice.
My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
John WatsonI don't know.
Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.
[Sherlock bursts into the room, covered in blood, brandishing a harpoon]
Well that was tedious.
John WatsonYou went on the Tube like that?
None of the cabs would take me.
[Sherlock has just insulted Mrs. Hudson; she's run off in tears]
John WatsonGo after her and apologise.
Apologise? Oh John, I envy you so much.
John WatsonYou envy me?
Your mind; it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control; a rocket tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launchpad... I need a case!
John WatsonYou just solved one! By harpooning a dead pig, apparently!
Oh, that was this morning. When's the next one?
John WatsonNothing on the website? [Sherlock stands and hands John a laptop showing a message on "the Science of Deduction" website]
"Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"
John WatsonBluebell?
A rabbit, John!
John WatsonOh.
Ah but there's more; before Bluebell disappeared it turned luminous like a fairy according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone! Hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. [gasps] What am I saying? This is brilliant. Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.
John WatsonYou serious?
It's this or Cluedo.
John WatsonAh, no! We are never playing that again.
Why not?
John WatsonBecause it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!
It was the only possible solution!
John WatsonIt's not in the rules!
Well then the rules are wrong! [Doorbell rings]
John WatsonSingle ring.
Maximum pressure, just under a half-second.
Client!
[After Sherlock does his signature scan on Henry Knight]
How on earth did you notice all that?
John WatsonIt's not important...
Punched out holes where your ticket's been changed...
John WatsonNot now, Sherlock.
Oh, please. I've been cooped up here for ages.
John WatsonYou're just showing off.
Of course. I am a show-off, that's what we do.
Look at me. I'm afraid, John. Afraid.
John WatsonSherlock...
I've always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see, body's betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions... grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment.
John WatsonAll right, Spock, just take it easy.
John WatsonWhy would you listen to me? I'm just your friend.
I don't have "friends"!
John WatsonNo. Wonder why?
Listen, what I said before John, I meant it. I don't have friends; I've just got one.
John Watson[Nods] Right. [Continues walking away]
[Calling after him] John? John! [Running after him] You are amazing, you are fantastic!
John WatsonYes, alright, don't have to overdo it.
[Lestrade and John exit the inn where Sherlock and the doctor are staying in]
John WatsonYou know he is actually pleased you are here? Secretly pleased.
Is it? That´s nice! I suppose he likes having all the same faces back together. Appeals to his... his...
John WatsonAsperger´s? [Sherlock appears and Lestrade changes the topic of conversation to the case of the hound]
Sherlock HolmesBenedict Cumberbatch · 169 quotes
Mycroft HolmesMark Gatiss · 24 quotes
ILInspector Lestrade22 quotes
Jim MoriartyAndrew Scott · 9 quotes
Molly HooperLouise Brealey · 9 quotes
Mrs HudsonUna Stubbs · 9 quotes
Irene AdlerLara Pulver · 8 quotes
AndersonJonathan Aris · 6 quotes
TDTaxi Driver6 quotes
MWMary Watson5 quotes
DI DimmockPaul Chequer · 4 quotes
Mary MorstanAmanda Abbington · 3 quotes
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