[John comes in to Baker Street, where Sherlock is casually shooting up a smiley face on the wall]
JohnWhat the HELL are you doing?!
John
What?
BORED! [continues to shoot wall] BORED! BORED! [stops, hands the gun to Watson] Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them.
John
So you take it out on the wall?
Oh, the wall had it coming.
John
What about that Russian case?
Belarus? Open and shut domestic murder. Not worth my time.
John
[dryly] Oh, shame!
John
Anything in? I'm starving.
[John opens the refrigerator and finds a human head inside, does a double take]
John
Oh, f… It's a head. A severed head!
John
No, there's a head in the fridge!
John
A bloody head!
Where else am I supposed to put it? You don't mind, do you? I got it from the Barts morgue. I'm measuring the coagulation of saliva after death. See you've written up the taxi driver case.
John
Um, yes.
John
Well, you know. A pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it?
John
Why not? I thought you'd be flattered.
Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds. What's incredible, though, is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things."
John
Now hang on a minute, I didn't mean that—
[sarcastic] Oh, you meant "spectacularly ignorant" in a nice way! Look, it doesn't matter to me who's Prime Minister, or who's sleeping with whom—
John
[somewhat bitterly] Or that the earth goes around the sun.
Oh God, that again! It's not important!
John
Not important? It's primary school stuff! How can you not know that?
Well, if I ever did, I've deleted it.
John
"Deleted it"?
Listen: [points to his head] This is my hard-drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful. Really useful. Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish, and that makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters! Do you see?
John
[brief silence; looks at Sherlock incredulously] But it's the solar system!
[extremely irritated] Oh, hell! What does that matter?! So we go around the sun! If we went around the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn't make any difference! All that matters to me is the work! Without that, my brain rots. Put that in your blog—or better still, stop inflicting your opinions on the world!
John
There are lives at stake, Sherlock! Actual human live— Just, just so I know, do you care about that at all?
Will caring about them help save them?
John
[angrily] Nope!
Then I'll continue not to make that mistake.
John
And you find that easy, do you?
Yes, very. Is that news to you?
John
No. [pause] No.
[realising] ...I've disappointed you.
John
[sarcastically] That's good, that's good deduction, yeah.
Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them.
[After Sherlock ripped off the explosive coat from John]
John
Oh, Christ. Ffff— Are you okay?
Me? Yeah. Fine. I'm fine. Fine. ...That, uh, thing that you, uh, you did that, um, you offered to do, that was, um... good.
John
Well, I'm glad no one saw that.
John
You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.
People do little else. [smiles]
[Sherlock is at home. John is at a crime scene and the two are talking via video chat.]
John Watson
You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream.
John Watson
I didn't really mean for you.
Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass.
John Watson
When did we agree that?
John Watson
I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
John Watson
Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
I don't know, how often are you away?
[Sherlock and John are in Buckingham Palace]
John Watson
What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
John Watson
Here to see the Queen?
[Mycroft Holmes walks in]
[They fall about laughing whilst Mycroft stares disapprovingly]
Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?
John Watson
We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases; both ends is too much work. [to the equerry who brought him in] Good morning.
[He starts to leave, but Mycroft stops him by putting one foot on the trailing sheet behind him, nearly pulling it right off]
This is a matter of national importance. Grow up.
[through gritted teeth] Get off my sheet!
John Watson
Boys, please. Not here.
Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now FOR GOD'S SAKE... [forcibly calms himself] put your clothes on!
John Watson
Punch you?
Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John Watson
I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
Oh, for God's sake! [He punches John in the face. John punches him back] Thank you, John, that was-- [John tackles Sherlock and grabs him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now--
John Watson
You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people!
John Watson
I had bad days!
[Irene Adler is stark naked while introducing herself to Sherlock and John; Sherlock struggles to make deductions about her]
D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait.
You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face, [Looks at John] I'd avoid your nose and teeth too.
John Watson
[Laughs] Could you put something on please, anything at all... a napkin?
Why? Are you feeling exposed?
I don't think John knows where to look. [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
No, I think he knows exactly where. [Stands in front of John] I'm not sure about you. [Takes coat from Sherlock]
If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.
John Watson
You do borrow my laptop.
Sherlock · 206 quotes
