Sherlock Holmes quotes from Sherlock

John Watson

A jellyfish?

Sherlock Holmes

I know.

John Watson

You can’t arrest a jellyfish.

Sherlock Holmes

You could try.

John Watson

We did try.

Sherlock Holmes

God is a ludicrous fiction, dreamt up by inadequates who abnegate all responsibility to an invisible magic friend.

John Watson

Yeah, but there’ll be cake. Will you do it?

Sherlock Holmes

I’ll get back to you.

Molly Hooper

Didn’t you get John’s text?

Sherlock Holmes

No. I delete his texts. I delete any text that begins “Hi.”

Molly Hooper

No idea why people think you’re incapable of human emotion.

Sherlock Holmes

Take all the credit. It gets boring if I just solve them all.

Yeah, you say that, but then John blogs about it, and you get all the credit anyway.

John Watson

He’s got a point.

Which makes me look like some kind of prima Donna who insists on getting credit for something he didn’t do!

John Watson

Well, I think you’ve hit a sore spot, Sherlock.

Like I’m some kind of credit junkie.

John Watson

Definitely a sore spot.

You’re at the beck and call of a screaming, demanding baby, woken up at all hours to obey its every whim. Must feel very different…

Sherlock Holmes

Sorry, what?

John Watson

Yes, well, you know how it is. All you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head.

Sherlock Holmes

Are you two having a little joke?

John Watson

Never a word of thanks. Can’t even tell people’s faces apart.

Sherlock Holmes

This is a joke, isn’t it?

Yeah, and it’s all, “Oh, aren’t you clever. You’re so, so clever.”

Sherlock Holmes

Is it about me?

I think he needs winding.

John Watson

You know, I think that really might be it.

Sherlock Holmes

No, don’t get it.

John Watson

Oh, the Ghost Driver.

Sherlock Holmes

Don’t give it a title.

John Watson

People like the titles.

Sherlock Holmes

They hate the titles.

John Watson

Give the people what they want.

Sherlock Holmes

No, never do that – people are stupid.

Sherlock Holmes

I can’t stand it, never can. There’s a loose thread in the world.

John Watson

It doesn’t mean you have to pull on it.

Sherlock Holmes

What kind of a life would that be?

Sherlock Holmes

That’s her, John and Mary’s baby.

Mycroft Holmes

Oh, I see, yes. Looks very… fully functioning.

Sherlock Holmes

Is that really the best you can do?

Mycroft Holmes

Sorry, I’ve never been very good with them.

Sherlock Holmes

Babies?

Mycroft Holmes

Humans.

Mycroft Holmes

Are you having a premonition, brother mine?

Sherlock Holmes

The world is woven from billions of lives, every strand crossing every other. What we call premonition is just movement of the web. If you could attenuate to every strand of quivering data, the future would be entirely calculable. As inevitable as mathematics.

Sherlock Holmes

What is that? [balloon with a face drawn on it]

John Watson

That is… me. Well, it’s a me substitute.

Sherlock Holmes

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You know I value your little contributions.

John Watson

Yeah? It’s been there since nine this morning.

Sherlock Holmes

Has it? Where were you?

John Watson

Helping Mrs H with her Sudoku.

What’s wrong? I thought you’d be pleased.

Sherlock Holmes

I am pleased.

You don’t look pleased.

Sherlock Holmes

This is my game face. And the game is on.

What?

Sherlock Holmes

She’s not the one.

Well, thank you, Mystic Meg.

John Watson

How do you work all that out?

Sherlock Holmes

She’s got three children in Rio that he doesn’t know about.

John Watson

Are you just making this up?

Sherlock Holmes

Possibly.

John Watson

Hang on, Mary’s better than me?

Sherlock Holmes

Well, she is a retired super-agent with a terrifying skill-set. Of course she’s better.

John Watson

Yeah, OK.

Sherlock Holmes

Nothing personal.

John Watson

What, so I’m supposed to just go home now, am I?

What do you think, Sherlock? Shall we take him with us?

Sherlock Holmes

John or the dog?

John Watson

Ha-ha, that’s funny!

John.

Sherlock Holmes

Well…

He’s handy and loyal.

John Watson

That’s hilarious. Is it too early for a divorce?

John

I need a second opinion.

Sherlock

Oh, John, calm down. When have you ever managed two opinions? You'd fall over.

You're not what I expected Mr. Holmes. You're - nicer.

Sherlock

I'm not nice. I'm just high.