[as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
[as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
[as Alfred] Damn you, sir.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[narration] It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.
[To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he gets up and leaves] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Y'all get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.
Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
Dude.
Oh, my bad. Not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like. You know what I mean?
JJanitor
Your new nickname is Scooter.
Why?
JJanitor
It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.
Oh, now I see. [voiceover] Ya big jerk.
[To annoying patient] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and badaow, it was gone forever—just like my patience is now.
[voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!
I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.
[holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?
JJanitor
I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.
I was just trying to—
JJanitor
Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]
But I've only worked here for three months.
AAlex
Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?
More chunky than fat.
Dr Cox! I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night, do whatever you want with me. [Cox makes a face.] Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I just, I meant that I want you to use me and I don’t care how degrading it is.
What?
No, no. No. It’s just that, I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. [Cox looks at her.] I just wanna make you happy.
Marshmallow, hush.
Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?
Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
I got one for you: stop calling it that.
My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
That poor shrink.
[about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time] Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?
Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....
[Elliot pulls her hair out of her face]
[continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
[He grabs J.D. by the shoulders]
[affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]
My mom says they frame my face.
They don't.
Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it's because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and... oh my God! [breaks up laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks that come sniffin' around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.
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