Scrubs · Season 1
I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.
[Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks]
What?
It's time.
No!
Yes!
Fine. Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?
[to Ted] Hey, sweat-stain, how's it going your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?
Oh, we're having sex like all the time.
[Everyone at the table gags]
Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?
You try it!
[thinks, makes a horrified face] OH GOD!
Not a pretty sight, is it?
He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.
For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is, he was... he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.
[overjoyed] Thank you, God. That was beautiful.
[mortified] Oh, God, no.
It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and takes a deep breath] You smell like a father figure.
Oh, please stop.
[breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.
Thanks! I worked on it.
I knew it would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional—[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!—person!
You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay?
I didn't think that out.
[menacingly] No. Ya didn't.
[After fantasizing about the future] And who's to say this isn't what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won't come true? Just this once...
[After smelling the air] Kiwi!
What?
I smell kiwi.
Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?
Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.
Don't smell people; it's weird.
I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. [voice-over] There: smelling incident fixed!
Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.
[J.D. is sitting in a tree to symbolize the cardiovascular system]
Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!
I thought being a doctor was about helping people.
It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.
Hmmm... I should find a new mentor. Maybe a woman.
Give me my chips, you dirty bitch!
... or her.
Dr. Mahoney, I was wondering... if I could shadow you.
This is not over, you filthy whore!
I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suck-up.
Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."
Okay class, with the exception of number one here, today's assignment is to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better spent stuffed into garbage bags and shot into the sun.
Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Understandable.
Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.
We've written a song for every state.
I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.
Are you on the list?
Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".
There's a "J. Dizzle" here.
I'm J. Dizzle!
Dammit!
Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!
Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].
In my stomach?
I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".
[Lucy is taking blood from J.D.]
I don't know why I'm not getting this.
I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
