Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."
[J.D. enters as Turk is washing up]
Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Get me a small one-pump mocha.
[voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]
Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
[J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox]
So what did you want me to get you?
A small one-pump mocha?
Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
It was worth it!
[To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
[J.D. hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.]
Say that again.
Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!
J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
They're called boxers, Carla.
They're satin, J.D.
With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!
Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
I'm okay with it.
This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—
Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.
And we're back.
[J.D.'s hand is moving involuntarily after being pummeled during a game of "jiggly ball"]
I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?
Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.
I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.
If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.
Oh Turk, a little help.
[J.D. rode his six-year-old neighbor's tiny scooter to work]
Ronald's gonna be mad.
Yeah? He's six. What's he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.
[to the Janitor] I want you to be in the staff picture.
[Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla]
I thought you were going to kill me.
JJanitor
I fought the urge.
I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.
So, don't have kids.
But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.
Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him— your kid's, like, all green and slimy.
I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!
And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.
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