TV show quotes
So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?
No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Oh, bring it on, daddy.
[frantic] Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister!
You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.
They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.
[narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!
Why can't Carla just let this go?
Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.
Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want, cause Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step. Now, where do we keep the sick people?
Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy
Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]
That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!
I need your help.
Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
What the hell does "boing" mean?
[pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.
Oh God—this is gonna kill me.
How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?
[to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
She's a dude.
Yeah, huh.
Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
[about Dr. Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
He doesn't have one.
Exactly! But what does he have?
A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!
Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.
[passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
I hate that thing!
[Elliot and Jake are about to sleep together for the first time]
I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?
I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
[horrified] Ohh....
I'm a real estate developer.
Oh, thank God!
Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Terence.
...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
I'm so glad you shared.
[narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]
Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!
[narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]
Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
[narration] Touché, magic hallway!
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