Scrubs quotes

Carla

Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.

Turk

What'd you do?

J.D.

Was it naughty?

Elliot

[to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...

[looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.

Carla

[to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?

Elliot

So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...

J.D.

[Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.

J.D.

[Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.

J.D.

[Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there is something so accessible about her, I wonder what it is?

Julie

Oh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

J.D.

Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

Elliot

Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said "Bone City."

J.D.

[acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?

Carla

[narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.

J.D

Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.

Turk

Is it?

J.D

Like Taye Diggs.

Turk

[to Carla] Taye. Diggs.

Turk

Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.

Julie

J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.

Julie's a great girl.

Turk

[momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.

[Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.

Turk

Yes, Lando. Yes.

Elliot

J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?

J.D.

Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!

J.D.

Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!

Elliot

[screeching] I'd been stung by a jellyfish!

Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?

J.D.

Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.

It's an honor to watch you work, sir.

J.D.

[absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...

How come I don't get a nickname?

J.D.

Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.

My last name is Dudemeister.

J.D.

And what am I supposed to do with that, OK? I'm not a magician.

Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.

J.D.

[voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!

What?

J.D.

[voiceover] Easy, now is not the time to bring up the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.

Turk

Why would she listen to me?

I may have told her that you were Kanye West.

Turk

I'm actually alright with that.

Oh, breathe through your nose. You remind me of my bulldog.

You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"

Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

J.D.

Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [looks at Mr. Barry] Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.

J.D.

I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.

[grunts an affirmative]

J.D.

Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.

She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]

[smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]

J.D.

I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]

No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]

J.D.

There is, even if she won't admit it.