Sheriff Stone quotes from Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated

Sheriff Stone

Hold it right there, leather-wearing creepy. First section seven forty-one dot B of the Chrystal Cove bylaws; there are no monsters or monster-like creatures allowed in public areas.

Mayor Jones

Unless tickets are being sold.

Sheriff Stone

(puts the Orc mask on Maxwell's face) And keep that mask on. You geeks freak me out without them. (drives away with Maxwell arrested)

Velma

Don't be so hard on yourself. You tried to do a very brave thing.

No, Odnarb was the brave one. He saved us all. Go ahead. Hang with him, Daph.

We've got to get back to our render farm. But I was thinking... maybe one last ride? I'll let you hold onto my jacket. It's genuine elf thigh.

Daphne

Oh. No thanks, Od. You're awesome with all your deep thoughts and poetical nobility and stuff. But my heart has always been with Freddie. (kisses Fred on the cheek)

Yes! In your face, Odnarb, or whoever you are. She digs me. She digs me! SHE DIGS ME!

Sheriff Stone

What in the name of kettle corn is going on? I thought you said he (Cachinga) was the creature.

Daphne

Sorry we had to trick you, Sheriff, but we needed everyone to believe it was Cachinga (Fred deactivates the trap) so we could set a trap for the person who's really behind this.

(gasps)

Rick Spartan

Marion!

Sheriff Stone

But how did you know that she'd attack? I don't get that!

We knew that if Dr. Spartan found out that the curse was fake he'd want to go back to living a life of adventure in the jungle.

Velma

A life she definitely didn't want.

(annoyed) Fine. I admit it.

Sheriff Stone

Well, you kind of have to. We caught you in the costume. But how--how did you know it was her?

We found this ring at the botanical gardens. A woman's ring. (to Marion) You went to Oxford, too, didn't you?

Yes. (puts the ring on her finger)

Rick Spartan

But, Marion, why did you do it?

Because I love you! Because I hate living in the jungle. It's icky. I decided if I couldn't convince you to give up that life, I'd scare you out of it. I came up with the fake legend of Sklar Gringat. I forged an ancient map to the ruins and put it someplace you'd find it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the challenge. You would be so consumed with finding your next great treasure, you wouldn't be thinking of me, as usual. I pretended to break my ankle because I knew you'd send Cachinga for help and go up into the ruins by yourself. And when you did, my plan fell into place. It gave me a chance to sneak around the back of the ruins, which were actually an old abandoned movie set. The Headless Horror costume was the final piece of the puzzle. I had it specially designed and took months of pilates to train my abdominal muscles to the point where I could control the mouth with my abs.

Rick Spartan

But the shrunken head... It talked to me.

I got it at a Halloween store. You can record whatever you want it to say. I'm sorry, darling. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted us to live a normal life. Which we could have if it weren't for those meddling sycophants. Can you ever forgive me?

Rick Spartan

Sure, I do, baby. I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. You were just trying to get through to me. Don't worry, we'll work it out. (He and Marion kiss) Sheriff, I don't want to press any charges.

Sheriff Stone

Yeah, I, uh, figured.

Rick Spartan

Take me back to my room?

Anything.

Rick Spartan

Cachinga, come.

(leaves the police car with the spear) Thank you. It's been lovely.

Velma

Time to reveal who Dead Justice really is. (unmasks Dead Justice)

Deputy Bucky?

Sheriff Stone

What? Bucky, you were like a father to me!

You're 20 years older than me!

Sheriff Stone

There's no proof of that. Why'd you do it?

Velma

Sheriff, I think we can explain.

Daphne

Bucky was tired of being just a deputy. He craved the power and prestige of the Sheriff's office.

Bucky failed every one of his promotion exams. But it wasn't just his grades that got me thinking.

Shaggy

Like, Bucky's a doodler, and his drawings looked an awful lot like Dead Justice's demon bullets.

Velma

Bucky disguised himself as the Ghost of Dead Justice and chased down the town's most wanted.

Daphne

He knew nothing would hurt Sheriff Stone more than losing his job to his hero.

The only thing I don't understand is how he created those bullets.

CGI. It's all CGI these days. I programmed a laser pointer to simulate the animation.

Sheriff Stone

Much as I hate to admit it, I owe you kids one. (Fred puts his hand on Sheriff's shoulder but he lets it go)

Mayor Jones

(gives an award to Sheriff Stone) People of Crystal Cove, there's a new old new Sheriff in town.

Sheriff Stone

Thanks, Mayor Jones. And... Thanks for giving me a raise.

Mayor Jones

Raise? What raise? An hour ago, your job was free. Don't think I won't find another undead lawman if I have to.

Sheriff Stone

(laughs) You're joking, right?

You know, dad, Bucky would have gotten away with it if it hadn't have been for us meddling kids. Maybe a little thank you might be, uh...

Mayor Jones

Uh, that's great, Fred. Listen, I'm late for a work meeting. (leaves)

But work's that way. (Daphne arrives) Why do I even bother?

Daphne

(accompanies Fred) He cares, Fred, in his own way.

Now, Regina, time to come clean and reveal that you're-- (unmasks The Obliteratrix)

Alice May?

Who's Alice May?

Daphne

She once pretended to be a Ghost Girl to kidnap Fred for her man posse because she wanted revenge for her father, the Creeper.

Shaggy

But, like, how did you get out of jail?

I got out with the help of the same person who sent me to destroy you... Mr. E!

Huh?

Angel Dynamite

Huh?

E enlisted my services to put you kids in danger in hopes of drawing out his enemy, Professor Pericles. He figured if Pericles thought you were in trouble, he'd come to your rescue. E knew if he could get Pericles to reveal himself, it'd leave his piece of the Planispheric Disk vulnerable. Everything was fake. Special effects.

Shaggy

But, like, where'd you get all the high-tech stuff? How'd you disappear?

E took care of that. It was all courtesy of one of Destroido's shell corporations: Quest Research Laboratories. They supplied me with everything I needed: Weapons, a high-tech cloaking device, even the effects.

Angel Dynamite

(handcuffs Alice) So this was all staged by Mr. E to use the kids as parrot bait.

That's right. And it would have worked, too, if I hadn't been stopped by you, Miss meddling sassy pants! (Next scene in the police car with Sheriff Stone and Alice May arrested)

Sheriff Stone

Wait, so are you telling me that you escaped from prison months ago, and I never noticed? (laughs) I don't think so. (drives away)

You all know me. You know how I earn a living. I'm a bad clown. Stopping me ain't going to be easy. There's no string and a net to catching me like Mano Tiki Tia or Redbeard's ghost. This Crybaby Clown swallow your town whole. (chuckles) You want your tourism back? You're gonna pay me $5 million. For that, you get the pacifier, the rattle, the whole darn clown. So what's it going to be? Me, or Mystery Incorporated?

Sheriff Stone

Well, it sounds like a good deal to me. I'll start passing the hat. So long, mystery goofs.

Hold on, Clown! That is our town.

Shaggy

(chuckles nervously) That's right! And we don't need money to protect it. Although it would be nice-- (Velma hits him with elbow) Ow!

Velma

Freddie, I think it's trapping time.

Right, Velma! And I know the perfect g-- the perfect-- ah-- I-- guh!

Mayor Nettles

What's wrong?

I-- my trapping knowledge! It's gone! My mind is-- is empty!

Wahh wahh. So tragic. Oh, well, I offered. (The door closes abruptly and the lights are shut off) Time's up, Crystal Cove.

Velma! Scooby! We heard explosions. Are you okay?

Oh! What have you done to our cemetery?

Velma

What we've done is capture the Graveyard Ghoul. And now, let's see who he really is. (unmasks the Graveyard Ghoul) Evallo.

Shaggy

Well, what do you know? It really was the most obvious suspect. (chuckles) Who would have guessed?

Velma

Evallo was stealing natural gas from the Crystal Cove gas company.

Yes, that is right. I did it. I, count Evallo von Meanskrieg, developed a perfectly evil plan und used my position as gravedigger to cover my activities. But the crowd from the Mayor's movie night meant someone might notice what I was up to. I had to scare them off! Thus, my genius evil plan of the Graveyard Ghoul was born. Unfortunately, the flame-broiling grill was incredibly dangerous so close to my gas lines. I had to stop it. Which led to my capture. Sadly, I, the evil count Evallo von Meanskrieg, would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for this Sheriff and his American-style barbecue.

Sheriff Stone

(closes the police car door) You all saw that, right? I caught the right guy, and on purpose! (drives away)

Daphne

Now, it's time to see who the Scarebear really is.

Benson Fuhrman?

That's right. And Fuhrman isn't my real name. It's Hairmore.

Why did you change it?

Isn't it obvious, man? Hairmore would give me away as the Scarebear and, duh. All I wanted was to expose Destroido for the sick, soul-destroying evil that it is. Destroido ruins lives and pays the victims to keep quiet. Well, this is one victim who won't remain quiet any longer.

Daphne

How are you a victim? You look fine.

Do I, pretty scarlet-headed temptress? What if I told you that I am not, in fact, wearing a bear suit, but I'm covered completely in animal hair?

Except for your face?

It would be covered, too, square-jawed, handsome young hero, if I didn't have to shave every few hours just to maintain my non-hirsute appearance. You see: I purchased a bottle of gentle rain flower body wash for men, a heavenly scent designed to bring the ladies running. What I didn't know was that the company, Musky Farms, is a division of Destroido, and that there's a side effect. When I contacted Destroido about the product turning me into a hairy bear-man, the company acted as if what had happened to me was nothing. They tried to pay me off. Destroido ruined my life. So I was determined to find evidence that their body wash was toxic. I got the job as head of security and created the Scarebear suit out of taxidermied bear parts. I'm particularly proud of the claws which I purchased from a school for gifted children. I discovered that gentle rain flower was originally marketed as a lawn growth fertilizer that was so toxic, it destroyed an entire town. They didn't even change the formula. I was in the process of uploading the incriminating files to my website when you kids broke into my lab. My plan was to finally expose Destroido tonight at their own charity ball. I wanted to show the entire world what they had done. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling, mutant animal-hating kids.

Gee. I feel kind of bad that we got in the way. Destroido deserves to be exposed.

Sheriff Stone

Unfortunately, since Destroido is its own sovereign nation, I can't arrest anyone.

Daphne

Oh, Sheriff! (hugs Sheriff Stone) You're wonderful!

Sheriff Stone

Huh?

Mayor Nettles

I'll explain it later.

Shaggy

Like, speaking of explaining, we still don't know who set the bomb.

Sheriff Stone

Don't get too close. They still might have some alien brain-stealing items ready to deploy.

Velma

That might be true if they were really aliens, but they are, in fact, (unmasks the Grey, Nordic Alien and Reptoid) Traveler O'Flaherty, Sheela O'Flaherty and Connor O'Flaherty.

Ah, usually, we all recognize the villain and shout out his name in unison.

Daphne

Yeah, Velm. Mind cluing us in?

Sheriff Stone

I know all the criminals in Crystal Cove, and these jerks aren't ringing a bell.

Shaggy

Like, you had a wanted poster for them on your wall.

Sheriff Stone

Oh, please. Nobody ever pays attention to those. What is this, the old west?

Were that it were, boyo. Then perhaps we could've earned an honest living. When I was a wee lad, we couldn't even afford peat for our fire. So I had to lift it. It turned out I was a right good thief, but then I discovered there were things I could steal other than coal, and wouldn't you know it, my kids had an aptitude for the family business as well. We started getting a reputation for our business, and there were our faces splashed all over the universe. Aye. 'Twas then we got the idea for the costumes because who'd ever say they saw an outer space creature stealing a flat-screen television set? I found out about the Blakes purchasing the Pangaea. Seemed like it was right up our alley, and we'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you frittering snappers. (after a short silence) Meddling kids!

Sheriff Stone

But I know what I saw: the aliens, the cornfield, my nose chip!

Velma

Actually, Sheriff, during your hypnotic regression, Shaggy and Scooby smelled something on your breath.

Bad clams.

Velma

The clams induced a hallucination that made everything seem real.

Daphne

What about the lights on the road?

Velma

A weather balloon that got loose from the army.

And the Mystery Machine fritzing out?

Velma

Too many people turning on their air conditioners at the same time created an electromagnetic pulse that shut the Mystery Machine's engine down.

Daphne

The crop circle?

Velma

A farmer writing "I love you", to his wife for their anniversary.

Daphne

Aw, we must've been standing in the "O" of "love".

Or the "O" of "you".

Daphne

It was the "O" of "love", Fred.

Sheriff Stone

So I wasn't repeatedly abducted and experimented on by aliens?

Doesn't seem so, Sheriff.

Sheriff Stone

Then I'm no longer a victim. And you, O'Flaherty family, are under arrest for THIEVERY AND IMPERSONATION OF INVADERS FROM OUTER SPACE, AND you're going away for a long, long time.

Daphne

Gang, this is all our fault.

Sheriff Stone

Isn't it always?

Daphne

Maybe we should just give Pericles the Planispheric Disk.

Shaggy

Like, no way. A treasure beyond all imagining in the clutches of an evil psychotic parrot?

Velma

Would be devastating on a global scale. Shaggy's right. There has to be another way.

Sheriff Stone

Well, you Mystery dorks better decide quick because those nasty cow thingies sealed off the town completely.

Mayor Nettles

All the roads leading in and out of the city have been eaten. They're cutting us off.

Sheriff Stone

Perhaps as-- as-- a species our time is over. It's evolution, people. We should all submit to the herd. I think I'll see if they're hiring any Sheriffs.

Mayor Nettles

Bronson, although I find your immediate surrender oddly endearing, you're not going anywhere. Kids, there must be a way to stop these things.

Daphne

I think I have it. It's all the little pieces, all the clues. Especially the fact that Professor Pericles referred to all the skull cattle as male drones. And then there's the sweet cheese.

Shaggy

I think I see where you're going with this, Daph. If Scooby and I can eat all that honey sweet cheese, those things will starve and we'll save the town.

Count me in. I'm ready to eat my way to victory.

Daphne

That's not what I was thinking. They're like bees. The herd is all male drones. So there must be a queen in the cow hive at Destroido.

Velma

Daphne, that's so genius I should have thought of it. They'll be totally protective of their queen. If we could capture the queen cow...

We could use her to lead the herd away from the town.

Mayor Nettles

Saving Crystal Cove.

Sheriff Stone

I don't know. I don't know. I think my plan of letting the herd enslave humanity is pretty darn good.

My fake father mayor dad used to keep a helicopter here at city hall.

Mayor Nettles

I still have it. Quick, it's our only chance.

Mayor Nettles

You did it, kids. You saved the town.

Daphne

I feel a little sorry for those skull cattle. It's not their fault they're horrible genetically engineered mutations.

Look. (The horrible herd rise in the ocean) Those things are part fish, remember? They can swim.

Velma

Whoa. What have we done?

Shaggy

You mean, like, other than release unnatural super predators into the ecosystem?

Sheriff Stone

It's best to just walk away from this one, kids. Just... walk... away.

Now let's see who this mysterious woman stealer really is.

The librarian?

Shaggy

Like, seriously? But you're not even British.

I'm so confused. Why?

It's simple, really. You spend a life reading about other people's exciting adventures and never, never, never have one of your own. It's awful. (sadly) I'm so lonely.

Velma

Jinkies. How did I miss that one?

I never really had any friends growing up. All I had were my books. For years I stayed in my room and read about incredible adventures, other people's adventures. Then, I got an idea, I was going to become the Dandy Highwayman. I was going to be the king of adventures and adored by women everywhere. I studied how to do an English accent. I incorporated a motorcycle helmet into my costume's hat and practiced my motorcycle skills for hours and hours. Then, I discovered something unimaginable: the key to a woman's total admiration and devotion. All you have to do is pay attention to them when they're talking. CRAZY, isn't it? It wasn't until I started to moderate the book club that I learned how to listen. From there, I actually became interested in what women have to say. Before long, I was fully engaged in their desires and feelings. I was living in the dream. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling romance killers.

Sheriff Stone

I'm not buying it for a second. You put some kind of voodoo MAGIC SPELL on them, you did.

Never. I just listened, that's all. Except when the going got tough. I had a little help. (uncovers the earplugs) These earplugs were the only magic I used.

Sheriff Stone

I knew it! I knew there was some kind of trick involved. Listening to women? Who ever heard of such a thing?!

Daphne

Jeepers! The librarian? I kind of feel bad for him. You know, he never really abducted the wives. They said they went with him willingly because he was mysteriously charming and--

Sheriff Stone

We know, we know. The whole listening and paying attention thing. We get it already. Whatever.

Daphne

What happened to the street?

It looks like some kind of earthquake.

Shaggy

Like, zoinks. Where is everybody?

Sheriff Stone

THEY'RE GONE! EVERYONE! GOOOOOONE!