PHPhil Hartman
Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the Saturday Night Live family singers.
[The remaining cast enters Home Base, each dressed as one of their prominent recurring characters]
Auf wiedersehen, goodnight!
LKLucy & Kristy
We sell you jeans
Like, even if they’re too tight!”
[Lucy and Kristy leave, as do each character after their respective solo]
We must be stealing.
Tori Spelling (Melanie Hutsell): Watch 90210.
Ike Turner (Tim Meadows): I’m sorry, Kevin Nealon.
We’d like to give you more.
JMJay Mohr, Sarah Silverman, Norm MacDonald
We’re not on a lot
So we’d better try and score.
It’s time to say farewell.
Linda Richman (Mike Myers): I feel verklempt
So talk among yourselves.
We have to bid adieu.
Zoraida (Ellen Cleghorne): What makes you think
That I won’t cut you?
To say goodbye is sad.
Richmeister & Pat (Rob Schneider and Julia Sweeney): We skipped this year
And that’s why it was bad.
We’ll wake up bright and early.”
MMMichael McKean
[dressed as Lenny Kosnowski] I don’t have a character yet
But I was on Laverne & Shirley.
MFMatt Foley
[alone and tired] So long.. farewell
Hey, what am I, chopped liver?
I need to sleep in a van down by the river.
[Matt sits on the apron of the stage, half-asleep, as Phil Hartman sits and wraps his arm around him]
PHPhil Hartman
You know, I can’t imagine a more dignified way to end my eight years on this program.
[singing] Good-bye... good-bye... good-bye.
NMNorm Macdonald
And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?
NWNancy Walls
Thank you, Norm.
NMNorm Macdonald
Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?
NWNancy Walls
Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.
NMNorm Macdonald
That...that just breaks your heart.
NWNancy Walls
And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.
NMNorm Macdonald
Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.
NWNancy Walls
It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...
NMNorm Macdonald
Oh, hey, I love that swan.
NWNancy Walls
Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.
NMNorm Macdonald
Oh...that's just senseless.
NWNancy Walls
And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.
NMNorm Macdonald
Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.
NWNancy Walls
I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.
NMNorm Macdonald
Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?
NWNancy Walls
No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.
NMNorm Macdonald
Oh...that's not right.
NWNancy Walls
What are you gonna do?
NMNorm Macdonald
Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.
NWNancy Walls
You really think so?
NMNorm Macdonald
[shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.
Saturday Night Live · 204 quotes
