Norm Macdonald quotes from Saturday Night Live

I'm Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news.

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest album sold five million copies this week, which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

A study say that pot use in high school is up sharply. [Holds up some money] Don't I know it.

The much talked about film Showgirls opened this week, and here's my review. Basically a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 10.

Well, it is finally official: murder is legal in the state of California.

[on George Burns's 100th birthday] I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Tomorrow night on 60 Minutes, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!

While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote: "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar; you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender, and to this nation," and then added: "I'm still gonna vote for you."

Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a, quote, "last ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it, quote, "a suicide attempt."

In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."

In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of The Flintstones. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the "greatest Flintstones episode ever!"

Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the best job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year, they will share one trait in common—I will hate them.

You know, when the people here asked me to do the show, I’ve got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don’t know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That’s where I did the make-believe news jokes, you know? That was me, right? So then, a year and a half ago, right, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. So you see, they fired me because they said that I wasn’t funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it’s only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, I go, "hey, wait a sec. Heeeyyyyy! How did I go in a year and a half from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I’m now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?!"