Seth Meyers quotes from Saturday Night Live

Seth Meyers

This week you didn't need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV. So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it. Let's say you're married and it's the #1 marriage in the country, but then you meet someone else who sweeps you off your feet, so you say to her, "I want to marry you, in five years," and she says, "Yes, I will wait five years to marry you." So then you go home and you tell your current wife, "Honey, in five years we're getting a divorce." Now you might think your current wife would be super cool with that and thank you for being honest, but it turns out she's actually super mad and as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce, she's looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous, so you come up with an awesome plan: you'll still marry the second person, but you'll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife, "Good news! We're totally married, but every night when I get home I'm gonna spend a half hour with my first wife first, but then I'm all yours." And before you even see how she feels about it, you hold a big press conference and tell people you've changed the future of marriage. Now if you think the new wife is cool with this plan, she's not. She's super mad. And the first wife is also acting weird because, you know, you have two wives. But then, just when you think you're stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems: You kill your second wife.

Seth Meyers

Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine.

Seth Meyers

Where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?

If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Trannie Oakley has gone all out, and inside it's just everything—lights, psychos, Furbys, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards...

Seth Meyers

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what?

You know, it's that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.

Seth Meyers

I...think I know what you mean. But now Stefon, if people, like if a family of normal people were looking to see some of the classic New York sights, you know, like Central Park or places like that, Statue of Liberty, would you have any recommendations?

Yes. New York's hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old pimp Ichi Yakaguru is back with an all-new hot-spot that answers the question: "What?" This place has everything—trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people...

Seth Meyers

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could I stop you for a second? What are Teddy Graham people?

It's that think of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly.

Seth Meyers

Yeah, that's definitely not a thing. You're doing great, Stefon, but again, if we were talking about just regular, run-of-the-mill people, maybe from the Midwest, who were just looking to do something with their kids or their grandparents, if they were coming here, could you recommend someplace that would be fun for them?

New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. you're at the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything—goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys with Afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants...

Seth Meyers

What is a human fire hydrant?

You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets have, like...[trying not to laugh] I know, I'm doing great. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants and the big ass.

Seth Meyers

Oh right, that thing. Look, Stefon, we asked you to come here and tell us about the fun touristy things, we were pretty clear on the phone. Places people, regular people could go on a spring weekend.

Right, mm-hmm.

Seth Meyers

But I have to say the things you described sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets.

Fair, fair.

Seth Meyers

But you know what, Stefon? Your heart was in the right place, and I really enjoyed having you here.

Oh, yay!

Seth Meyers

So, Stefon, right off the bat, it's great to see you. What did you do this summer?

All of it.

Seth Meyers

So, Stefon, if someone is coming—relax, buddy, you're gonna do great. If someone is coming to the city this fall and wants to have the full New York experience—you know, do some fun stuff—where should they go?

If you're looking for an experience, look no further. New York's hottest club is Trash. As you step through the stainless steel doors of this meat-packing hot spot, you'll be greeted by none other than Pierre the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything—clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in. There's no password. At the door, just do the Cosby face.

Seth Meyers

The Cosby face?

Yeah, uh...[Flashes his fingers in front of his face and pokes through wide-eyed]

Seth Meyers

Well, that is nice of them to make it so easy for folks to get in. But Stefon, what about someone who...let's say they're coming to New York for the first time, and they wanna have one of those classic New York nights.

Yes, yes, I'm with you.

Seth Meyers

So where should they go?

Seth, New York's hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy word...world that answers the question: "Now?". This place has everything—geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner. Is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'n Slide. His knees look like biscuits...[Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face] ...and he's ready to party.

Seth Meyers

It was not Mick Jagger?

[fighting through laughter] No, it wasn't Mick Jagger, it was a fat kid with biscuit knees.

Seth Meyers

Just wanted to double-check. Stefon, now the reason I wrote you and asked you to come back here...

A letter.

Seth Meyers

I wrote you a letter 'cause that's the only way you'll communicate. I wrote you the letter and I asked you to come back here because New York is really making a push...tourism push for normal American families.

Yes, they are.

Seth Meyers

They are, yes. Yes, so if you could just take a minute, and you don't have to do it now, but if you could take a minute and think of just some fun wholesome places, not for people like you, but for visitors—American visitors from normal middle America, we would really appreciate it. So just don't talk until you're sure you have it.

I got it already. New York's hottest club is Push! This club has everything—ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won't sign autographs, Furkels...

Seth Meyers

Do I wanna know?

Yes, you do.

Seth Meyers

Furkels are...

Fat Urkels.

Seth Meyers

Sure they are.

And after you've been with one of those guys, you'll ask yourself, "Did I do that?"

Seth Meyers

Stefon, if I were you, I'd be asking myself that all the time. Stefon, not to belabor the point, but we were looking for fun activities a mom, a dad, a grandma, a grandpa, and some kids could enjoy. You instead took us on a tour of a coked-up gay Candyland.

That's accurate, that's accurate.

Seth Meyers

But I think we'll have you back.

Hooray!