Jane Curtin quotes from Saturday Night Live

Jane Curtin

Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, Sybil, to be televised tomorrow night on NBC. Adapted from the book, "Sybil" is a story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels confident to pull it off. As she recently told the reporter: "Thank you, it's nice to be here." "Should I check your oil, ma'am?" "And now it's time to play, Double Jeopardy!" "We'll call this baby... Jesus." "Je m'appel Henri!" "Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!" "Good Yante, Rabbi." "I do." "Who is this masked man?" "I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!" "Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!" "$20 for me, $10 for the hotel." "Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!" "Hey, Abbotttt!" "I am not a crook!" Lassie, it's me Timmy!" "And as god as my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Jane Curtin

According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America's first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don't you love history?

Jane Curtin

Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"

Jane Curtin

Our top story tonight: The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [audience cheers and applauds] Though thrilled about today's victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodgers team, and immediately enstated Billy Martin as the Dodgers' manager for the rest of the series.

Jane Curtin

Dan, you self-important swine ass.

Jane Curtin

Miss Lillian Carter removes her makeup. This and other stories coming up on Weekend Update next.

Jane Curtin

This just in: Paul McCartney was freed, but the crisis continued in Tokyo.

Jane Curtin

Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew.

[voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!

[voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!

[voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

[voiceover] We're okay!

[voiceover] I know, my- ow!

[voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

[voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!

[voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!

Jane Curtin

A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Dan Aykroyd

During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.

Jane Curtin

Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.

Dan Aykroyd

Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?

[voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

[shocked] What?!

[voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.

Jane Curtin

[angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!

Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.

Dan Aykroyd

This just in, Garrett Morris is dead. A group of 8 youths has fatally shot the late Update correspondant at the kids' playground. Another paraquat-related death.

Jane Curtin

Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jane Curtin

This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says "Dear Rosanne Rosannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smoking. Now, I'm depressed, I get wet, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swell, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky, and I have gas. What should I do?" Mr. Feder you sound like a real attractive guy. You BELONG in New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join, but it's worth it 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! But personally, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club? Anyway, they got this sauna there, which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. So I go in there, but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off; if she stood up, it didn't fall off; she scratched, it didn't fall off; and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She...

Jane Curtin

Roseanne!

What? What?

Jane Curtin

What do health clubs, sweat, and saunas have to do with cigarettes?

Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'. If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Rosannadanna cake. Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. [Jane bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.

Dan Aykroyd

I'm station manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is a subject of tonight's Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint.

Jane Curtin

Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not necessarily mean a lack of total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.

Dan Aykroyd

Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of the cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rate's at the top. Then we can choose which two bit tarts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.