Norm Macdonald and Nancy Walls in “Unfinished Business”

And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?

Thank you, Norm.

Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.

That...that just breaks your heart.

And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.

It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...

Oh, hey, I love that swan.

Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.

Oh...that's just senseless.

And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.

I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Oh...that's not right.

What are you gonna do?

Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

You really think so?

[shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.