Steve Martin quotes from Saturday Night Live ... TV Quotes Database

Lines by Steve Martin 3

Steve Martin

(enters with a clamp on his head) I do not feel well tonight. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. It was though my heads was in a vice! I though it would go away, but it hasn't. I took some aspirin-it meant nothing. I decided to continue with the show, anyway. Pardon me. What? There's a clamp on my head? Aha! Those Saturday Night people! They didn't even TELL me! I went through makeup and everything and nobody said a WORD!

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

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Steve Martin

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace...and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the $30 million every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids, second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model, Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize, here we go. First, the sex thing—we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you, everybody, and Merry Christmas.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

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Steve Martin

You know, I've been coming here to do Saturday Night Live since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with...and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978. [Steve then shows the season 3 sketch "Dancing in the Dark", in which he dances with original cast member Gilda Radner, who had passed away the day the episode premiered] You know, when I look at that tape, I can't help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

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Scenes with Steve Martin 1

DSDavid Spade

[during his Weekend Update segment "Hollywood Minute"] And Steve Martin, what about his new movie, Leap of Faith? I was gonna go see it, but I was sick that day. [the audience laughs lightly, then bursts into rapturous applause, as unbeknownst to Spade, Steve Martin himself walks up behind him] He has blonde hair in it- am I supposed to buy that? His hair has been grey since 1974. He's probably turned into one of those guys that doesn't wear a tie now- "Hey, I'm Matt Dillon". [as he says the following part, Martin grabs Spade's shoulder and starts squeezing it in implied anger.] Yeah, just a minute, Kevin. Anyway-- ow, you're hurting me. [he finally sees Martin, and is understandably scared shitless.]

Steve Martin

Thanks for the tip, Kevin. [to Spade] You wanna go now? [Spade immediately leaves without a word, and Martin proceeds to do a similar segment ripping on HIM instead.] Hi there. I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hassling people with real careers. It's called "Your Last Hollywood Minute." Deal with it!

S1 E15 Unfinished Business

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Steve Martin quotes from Saturday Night Live

Lines by Steve Martin 3

Scenes with Steve Martin 1

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