If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.
See, Dan, I told you, D.J. is small for his age.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!
No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.
[Roseanne, Dan and Darlene stand together, grinning at Becky.]
God, I hate this family.
Hey Mark, two plus two?
What?
Yeah, I thought so.
Oh, ya think ya can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?
I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.
Me too!
[on Mark] I wanna go over to his house and beat the hell out of his mother.
[Becky has just lied to Roseanne, saying she is going to visit her friend Judy when she is really going to see Mark, and Roseanne has called her bluff.]
She's probably up there right now working on Plan B.
Maybe it's a really dumb story, like, "Judy's parents are Amish and don't have a phone."
I was only eleven!
[seductively] Roseanne, I've been thinkin'... what if my manly abilities aren't really mine, what if it's the mattress?
I thought it was the mattress.
No, I mean, what if I can't wow you in the new bed?
Well, you didn't have no trouble when we brought home that new kitchen table.
(Roseanne is dressed up as a man for Halloween goes into the Lobo mens' bathroom to check it out. As she is looking at the urinal, a man walks in to use the bathroom. She pretends as if she is using the urinal, and starts trying to make conversation with the man who is now using the urinal next to her.)
(after the man ceases responding to her) Oh I get it. It's like being in an elevator.
(not wanting to go to Dan's Lodge haunted house, upset after breaking up with Gary) It's no fun have some 60-year-old guy with a pot belly jump out and say "ooga booga." It was scary when I was 8, even scarier now.
(talking about men) Why do they do that?
I don't know. We're talking about the only animal on Earth that would wear black socks with bermuda shorts.
Do I have to spell it out for ya? [making movements to illustrate each letter as he speaks] P-M-S!
OH MY GOD! [dives under the kitchen table to hide]
Are you sure?
Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.
And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?
I'm gonna be at the mall.
I've got basketball practice.
Me too.
There's gonna be a 24-hour roller-coaster ride with Sybil at the switch.
Wait! No, you can't leave!
Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.
Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.
And it's rough on your mother, too.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.