[Roseanne is having a talk with Becky about birth control]
But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?
Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Darlene kisses Brian]
BBrian
What was that for?
For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.
BBrian
Well, I don't think they're stupid. I think they're complete idiots. [he and Darlene embrace and begin to make out]
Did you get felt up?
No.
Huh! I did.
(on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love to. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.
Darlene, what are you doing?
Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.
Oh, OK.
Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
[as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.
You're dead!
(sarcastically, after the above incident) Well, thanks for your help.
What?
Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?
Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.
[on her new waitress job versus her old beauty parlor job] Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair; only now, it's in the food.
WWaitress
(to Roseanne, pointing to table with two boys who are throwing spoons and spitballs) That's your table, sis.
Geez, they're kinda cute aren't they? You know, I have a couple kids at home just their age. I think I can relate to them. (walks up to table) GET OUT!!
Darlene (as Becky stands in front of the television after the girls fight about what to watch): Becky, I can't see.
[mockingly] Sorry, Darlene, am I in your way?
Well, we got a 19 inch TV, and you got a 25 inch butt.
Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom. She's doing her homework and she locked me out, and I really need to get in.
Darlene's doing her homework! Oh, honey!
Oh, it's a proud, proud day!
Mom, I worked it out with Becky. She's gonna stay home and babysit D.J., and I'm gonna go out.
Now, why would she make a deal like that?
Well, I had dirt on her.
... What kinda dirt?
Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home. (leaves, Becky comes in)
So, what do you think your punishment oughta be?
What do you mean?
Darlene told me everything.
That little rat.
I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it till I get your side of the story.
Well, first we... wait a minute. (grins and shakes her head) Uh-uh.
...You're gettin' good.
If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?
Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?
He's doing something really weird.
Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!
Real different.
(Darlene shows the doll heads to Roseanne)
Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.
Mother! These are my old dolls!
Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he? (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies) That's a relief.
He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!
Do you want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow, or do you want one that sounds like... [starts the bike] ...Steppenwolf?
Mom!
Mom!
What?
Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.
[to Darlene] God, that's so immature!
Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.
[sarcastically] Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
[chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!
You're dead!
[to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?
Whew! How's it goin'?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.