[drunk] This is my sister Lardene. Larlene. Dardene!
[Dana pokes Darlene]
WHAT?!
DDana
Where's your bathroom?
Oh, we don't have a bathroom, we use a wok. [laughs hysterically]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[as Roseanne and Dan are starting to chew out Becky] I'm gonna go upstairs and flush the wok.
What is the problem?!! You guys drink all the time!
First of all, we don't drink all the time; second of all, we're not talking about US!
(sarcastically) Look, I have one drink and you're acting like I'm an alcoholic. Oh quick, I'll call the 800 number.
We ARE your 800 number, Becky.
J-bird, you're an experienced woman, right?
I'm not all that experienced.
But, you have dated a lot of boys.
Yes, and a couple of men. At least one.
I've never washed dishes with another woman before.
Ha-ha. How does it feel?
Cheap.
[Dan sits on the rebuilt Harley]
Yes! The shocks held!
(referring to her bartending talents) Some things you never lose. And some things you lose to the wrong person. (referring to Ziggy)
Dan (to Ziggy): I thought I could do it, but I can't sell you my bike, it's just too many memories.
That's great, fine, don't sell me the bike, I'm not saying sell me the bike. Don't sell me the bike, but don't do it because you're still hanging onto the past, do it because you're going to get back on it some day.
I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.
Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.
You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.
Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.
CCustomer
Now, Iris, I love what you did last week, but can you make me look like that? [hands Iris a photo]
Oh, I'm sure you can, Iris. I'll go get the wand.
Susan Noonan said that her mother saw you sweeping up people's hair in the beauty parlor.
Well, you tell Susan Noonan that I saw her mom getting her roots bleached and her mustache waxed.
MMarcia
How do you like the job so far?
Well, it's just like being home, I make coffee, I answer the phone, and I do laundry.
DDebbie
Roseanne, where are the clean towels?
And I listen to children whine.
[on her pants] I guess they didn't shrink, I just grew!
[putting an arm around Roseanne] I think we've grown together.
We've gotta go on a diet.
What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.
Well, my pants don't fit me!
Well, your pants don't fit me either.
Aw, face it. You're both tanks.
Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.
No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
Me too!
Twenty pounds?
Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.
Me too!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.