[setting the table] You gotta move, Deej.
Make me!
[leaning in toward D.J.] How about a kiss, hot stuff?
[grabbing his notebook and running off] I'm outta here!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What do you guys think? You think your mom needs to lose weight?
No, I like you mushy.
Aunt Jackie, how come Mom is so heavy and you're so thin?
It'sssss... genetics.
BDBecky and Darlene
[looking at each other in horror] OH MY GOD!
CACommercial Announcer
Say, when was the last time you tasted real butterscotch? Creamy, smooth butterscotch with walnuts, surrounded by delicious milk chocolate. Have a Yummy Bar - you deserve it.
[D.J., who is eating a bowl of ice cream, notices Roseanne inching closer and closer toward him with her eyes on his ice cream, and quickly runs to another chair]
You okay?
[feebly] Yeah... yeah, I'm just... yeah, I'm gonna get a diet soda.
[As Roseanne goes to the refrigerator to get her soda and then returns to the family room, the following commercial plays:]
CACommercial Announcer
This week only at the King's Table, our famous Surf 'N Turf Platter - a juicy 10-oz. char-broiled filet mignon, a 10-oz. Maine lobster tail with drawn butter, and steak fries or creamed spinach, all for only $8.99!
[Watching the commercial, Roseanne becomes more and more agitated, panting hungrily and taking long swigs of her diet soda. Dan watches her, worried]
CACommercial Announcer
At Bucky Burgers, our burgers are flame-broiled! Even the bacon we put on our cheeseburgers is flame-broiled, and we use real cheese, and all our buns are toasted! So bring the whole family to Bucky Burgers!
CACommercial Announcer
Come on, kids...
I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!! [flees into the kitchen]
Gary (to Dan): Jackie tells me you and Roseanne have been together since right out of high school.
Yeah, hard to believe. Twelve years of high school and you go out and do something completely stupid.
(to Jackie who's complaining that her new boyfriend doesn't know the "real" her) Maybe it's because you're acting like Gidget on an aphrodisiac for the past three weeks.
GGary
(talking about Jackie) She-she's fun. She's sexy and she's bright. She's a little crazy, too, but, ya know, that's okay with me 'cuz I could use a little crazy in my life.
She can provide that.
[Becky, Darlene and Roseanne are going through bridal magazines]
Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?
I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.
[to Meg's dog, Jacques] C'mere, you little squirrel on a rope.
You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.
What, you just leave them there?
Some cops do, I don't.
I finally get some time off and I can't do a damned thing. The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.
Hey, they like canned spaghetti.
Well, not for breakfast.
(Roseanne is acting goofy after being put on muscle relaxers}
Mom, did you fly through the windshield or something?
No, but I'd like to try that someday.
People like us, the poor people, and the people like us regular people are paying more taxes than the rich people because they got all these lawyers who find loopholes, I want loopholes. I mean, we're paying you guys our money anyway, and then you mishandle it worse than any of us ever could. And the government is like 3 trillion dollars in debt, I think I heard that on "Donahue." Can you imagine 3 trillion dollars in debt? That's like you make what $15,000 a year and then charge up your Master cards $50,000, and then you pay $5,000 monthly income. You know, people like us, we should get smart and audit them.
(to Jackie) You're really gettin' on my nerves today, I mean more than usual.
Next year, we're starting in June.
Next year we ain't filing.
We'll go to prison, of course I bet you don't have to file for prison.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.