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SEASON 1

Rock Paper Scissors · Season 1

Rock Paper Scissors Season 1 quotes

174 quotes · page 12 of 12

Rock Paper Scissors

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S1 E15Unfinished Business

[The trio are folding their laundry and quickly hide under the coffee table when they hear Lou knocking from outside the door]

[quietly] It's okay. If we don't say anything, he'll think we're gone and he'll leave us alo--

[kicks the door down with his foot] Oh, there you are. I was knocking. [the trio sighs in disappointment] Listen, something's wrong with my cat, Meatball. I took him to the vet, changed his diet, even bought him a kitty Peloton, which he never uses… but he's still looking rough.

How old is he?

30.

30?

That's not that old. I'm only 31.

31?!

Uh, Lou, it might be Meatball's time.

What? I can't lose Meatball. We've done everything together.

I'm going broke trying to take care of him. I need more tenants.

You also need to check that vampire book. He looks even worse now.

That's on me. I accidentally made him sick 'cause I ordered a garlic pizza from Chaepo's Pizza.

You ordered a garlic pizza?

Yeah, with garlic knots, garlic tots, raw garlic, and a pint of garlic juice.

[disgusted] Eww!

Try it.

[takes a drink of the garlic juice] Ooh, worse than I thought,

In fairness, Meatball would've gotten sick from a regular Cheapo's pizza. That place is awful.

AAnnouncer

Cheapo's Pizza! Everyone gets food poisoning here!

[as Meatball puts his paw on his hand] I know, Meatball. I'll find a way to save you.

[Scissors is telling his friends about his girlfriend, Delphine, who is revealed to be a mermaid]

[excitedly] My girlfriend's a mermaid! And then she took me on an incredible date. [voice-over] First, we got a couple's massage from an octopus. Then she gave me magical gills that appear underwater. [Delphine presses her hands on his throat, granting him some magical gills to make him breathe underwater] That way, I could swim down to her giant mer-kingdom! And then, all her fish friends sang to me over a romantic dinner!

SCSea Creatures

[singing] ♪ Enjoy your meal / Enjoy your meal / Enjoy your meal / And your girlfriend who's real! ♪

DDelphine

[presenting Scissors a red pearl as a gift] This is a special pearl, because it's extremely dangerous to retrieve. It only grows inside a clam.

That doesn't seem that dangerous.

DDelphine

That's been swallowed by a shark.

Oh.

DDelphine

That's been eaten by a whale.

Good Lord.

DDelphine

In mermaid culture, we give this to our perfect match, to say, "You matter to me most of all." [places it in his hands]

[Back in the apartment]

So look at this! [holds out, what is actually a golf ball]

[baffled] A golf ball?

No, it's-- Well, it was a pearl. Oh, she did say it only glows when you're with your perfect match, which is me for my mermaid girlfriend.

Guys, I asked you to help set up for the Apology Soirée.

The what?

The event I'm hosting where we invite everyone we've wrong over the past year to apologize. [holds up a whoopsie cake]

Are you doing this because individual apologies are hard and doing it all at once is the coward's way out?

That's what sold Scissors.

Big coward!

Yeah, this feels like more of a "you guys" thing.

Fine. Then Scissors and I will be the mature ones in this-- [gets smacked in the face by Scissors' sticky hand] Ah! Ow! Scissors, you are such a child! [starts chasing him around] What grown man has a sticky hand?! You are a nightmare! If I look up "nightmare" in the dictionary, I would say, "Wrong picture," because it should be Scissors!

[gazing at the enlargement ray, and an idea gets in his head] The enlargement ray! [imagines himself in his enormous size as the apartment building and making modeling poses]

[amazed] Well, I certainly can't ignore you, now that you're enormous!

[Dreamscape, Catalina, the President of the United States and the "Ah, my car" guy show up for the apology party]

[also showing up along with his cats] I'm here too! Also, I couldn't find a cat-sitter, so I brought the boys.

Lou, we didn't invite you.

And I expect an apology.

Well, great. Thanks to you, we are now further from the ray and stuck on this counter. When will you learn?

[bitterly] Never from you.

What was what? You spoke at a volume suggesting you were saying nasties about me.

Forget it. [sees two of Lou's cats on the counter and one of them hops off] Franz! I know how to get down. [they climb onto the cat]

How do we get it to go?

We wait. I mean, it's not like Ratatouille where you grab some hair and-- [grabs the cat's fur with both hands, making the cat stand up] Oh, shoot! It is like Ratatouille!

And finally, as payback for the damage we've done to you… [pulls the cover off the coffee table, revealing weapons]

You get to damage our apartment for three full minutes.

[Paper, Scissors, and everyone look at Rock and Franz after they've used the enlargement ray to turn them back to their normal sizes]

[to Franz] Well, thanks for teaching me how to do the turn. [starts to walk away, sadly]

Wait. I'd like to participate in this very weird event. Rock, I apologize. I've been selfish, oblivious, and put you through a wringer of comedic hijinks. But I promise to change. In fact, from this day forward, I'm going to be your mentor.

[overjoyed] You will?!

Because if I pass my knowledge on to you, it'll help me even more! People will ask, "Where did you learn those moves?" and you'll say, "Franz Roll, of course. The greatest model alive." It's like you will be a living advertisement for me, and my name will be etched in the tomes of modeling history!

Works for me!

Aww, that's nice. I'm glad everything worked out. [accidentally activates the enlargement ray, zapping Lou's cats in making them grow into enormous size]

What the heck did you do?!

[sighs] We're gonna need another soirée.

These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rock Paper Scissors pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.