CCop
You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
MMarty
Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
BBumblelion
I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
EEleroo
And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
BButterbear
You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together?
[Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee]
LLion
OW! What the hell?! You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. [turns around to have sex with the bumblebee] Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!
[Goes back to the three Wuzzles]
BBumblelion
UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?
[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex]
EElephant
Now, this might hurt a little. [in a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams]
[Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles]
EEleroo
EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman?
[The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman]
DDonkeyhuman
[brays] As far as I know...
O3Other 3 Wuzzles
[interrupting Donkeyhuman] Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.
[Jaden walks into his bedroom before a lamp is turned on and Santa is seen sitting in a chair]
JJaden
I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.
We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.
JJaden
And where is my mother? [Santa stares at him; looks depressed] Hmm, I see. And how did she die?
Not well.
[In the flashback, Santa comes towards Jaden's mother and punches her. She elbows him in the neck before he grabs her neck and throws her against the kitchen top drawers. Jaden's mother bashes his head with the freezer. She grabs a knife and begins swinging it at Santa. As she is about to stab him, he moves which sends the knife into a wall plug-in, electrocuting Jaden's mother. Santa grabs her by the back of her head and shoves her face into a sink full of water until she doesn't move anymore. Back to the present]
JJaden
She made you work for it, did she? [opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen] You'll find I'm not so easy. [points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets] They say the second one is always-
[Santa quickly shoots Jaden with another gun which sends him flying into three shelves and knocks all of the toys down]
Considerably.
[Back to the flashback, Santa is then seen walking away from Jaden's mother after killing her. Then Jaden's mother screamed as she rises from the sink with her make-up smeared and holding the knife up, but Santa quickly shoots Jaden's mother, which is a short parody of a scene in Casino Royale before the opening credits starts]
[A dad, a mom and their son are in the living room on Christmas morning. The son is about to open his present and his dad is excited. The boy opens the present which explodes, killing him]
DDad
Ha, ha! Ha...Ah, it was a lot funnier when Jokey Smurf did it. Huh.
It's the most beautiful tree ever!
It certainly is, Sweetie!
TTree
[looking in the window] My wife! [sobbing] You killed her, and you decorated her!
[On Christmas Eve, the atheist mayor is standing in front of the church doors addressing the people]
AMAtheist Mayor
[to the people] Back to your homes. As the first Atheist mayor, I am shutting down the church.
OWOld Woman
But it's Christmas!
AMAtheist Mayor
Well, you should have thought of that when I campaigned as the first Atheist mayor.
CCitizens
Oh, yeah.
OWOld Woman
Can we at least hear the Christmas chimes?
AMAtheist Mayor
[lifts up the giant silver chime] No! ln fact, I removed the chimey thingy that makes the chimey noise. So, you're screwed! [laughs, and was about to leave] Oh, and vote for me in November. [then leaves]
[Newspaper headlines says "TOWN CHIMES IN ON PROBLEM", "STORY RINGS TRUE!", and "CHILDREN CAN'T "BELL"-IEVE IT!". On Christmas night, the Humping Robot walks into the silent town on snow, wearing a Santa hat. Then he looks at the church bell, and makes a bell with his hands in air. He then knocks the blocked boards down with his hands and entered the church. He crashed though the roof door and stared at the shiny bronze bell. He was thrilled with joy and began ringing the bell with his hands]
[waking her dad up] Daddy, Daddy! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!
[The angels from Heaven are awoken by hearing the bells ringing. The alarm is off, and the angels earned their own wings, and fly down to Earth and face the Atheist Mayor into action]
AMAtheist Mayor
[seeing the angels appearing on rooftops] What the-? What the-? Oh, my!
[He is about to run, à la North By Northwest, but the angels gunned him down with Tommy-guns]
[off-screen] Remember to keep Christ in Christmas.
[The Humping Robot continues ringing the bell]
AAnnouncer
Brought to you by Church.
EElf
[to Santa] Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?
[gasps, then gives the elf some money] Go get her a mug from the stationary store.
[Christmas in Asgard]
TThor
The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.
LLoki
[sees a lump a coal from his stocking] Augh! A lump of coal?!
OOdin
[laughs] I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. [grabs his goblet] Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.
TThor
[on his bicycle] I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. [rides off]
LLoki
Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. [laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda] I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! [gulping] Ahhh! [the sign behind him says "NO REFILLS"] No one minds if I get another. [gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust] I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.
[Loki is seen in the elevator]
OOld Lady
Hold the door!
LLoki
[holding the doors open] Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! [shoots the lady dead with his gun] Ha ha!
[The Following Christmas]
[Loki laughs while riding the bicycle as the shocked and confused Thor holds a lump of coal]
OOdin
[spits] By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! [looks at the calendar] Nay, it "is" Christmas day!
TThor
I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! [flies to the North Pole]
[Loki snickers silently; at the North Pole]
[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor] Good God!
TThor
[appears behind the door] But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee! [begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor; picks the list up and reads it] Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? [pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body] Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. [picks up Santa] Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. [grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]
[Back in Asgard. Loki shoots and kills people while riding a bicycle]
LLoki
Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!
[Thor and Santa arrive]
He's a madman! Stop him!
TThor
Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. [to the camera] Merry Christmas, everyone!
LLoki
God of Thunder! [shoots bullets in the air]
WWoman
I love it when it snows. It's so peaceful.
[We hear the snowflakes screaming while falling from the sky]
S1Snowflake 1
Aaaaahh! Oh, God! I'm falling! Wha-What's happening? [screaming continues] Is that the ground?! Holy [bleep]! That's the [bleep]ing ground! This is it! Game over, man! [falls onto the ground]
S2Snowflake 2
Get off of me! [stammering] Get off of me!
S1Snowflake 1
I can't! I can't get up! [groaning as two snowflakes fall on him] It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse!
MMan
Ugh, I hate snow. We should go to Tahiti next Christmas.
WWoman
Yeah, let's do that. [steps on the snowflakes who are still screaming]
[Two boys are in the living room next to the Christmas tree with presents under it on Christmas morning]
BBoy
Shh.
[They opened the present, but finds the dynamite, which is going off. The dynamite explodes, killing the boys. The next scene shows the family in another house; the girl opens her present]
MMom
Awww!
GGirl
[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off] That's weird.
[Another dynamite kills the family with explosion. The next scene shows the African-American couple in the living room opening their presents, but find the grenade which the pin is attached to the string. They accidentally pulled the grenade out of the pin, with horrified looks on their faces. Then the grenade explodes, killing the couple. Cut to the North Pole where the group of terrorists held gunpoint at Mrs. Claus an the elves in front of Santa]
Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.
TTerrorist
And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?
But...Jews don't even have Christmas!
TTerrorist
Then you have failed!
Noooo!
[Terrorists shoots Santa]
AAnnouncer
Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.
[The sketch opens with the title card Gift of the Maji written in gold letters appearing on a green background. We then see Della Dillingham Young in a store]
DDella
I'd like to buy a chain for my husband's watch.
CSChain Salesman
Seventy-five dollars.
DDella
Oh, my! I can't afford that. Unless... [cut to her at a barbershop and taking a seat in the chair] I'd like to sell my hair, please.
[The female barber pulls out an electric razor and starts shaving Della's hair. Cut to James Dillingham Young at another store]
JJames
I'd like to buy some brushes for my wife's beautiful hair, please.
BSBrush Salesman
Seventy-five dollars.
JJames
For brushes? What the [bleep]? What are they, solid gold? My watch is 75 bucks and it is a [bleep]ing antique! [a short pause; cut to him at home; Della, who is now bald, enters] What the [bleep] happened to you?
DDella
I wanted to buy you a chain for your watch, so, I sold my hair to do it!
JJames
Holy [bleep]! You look like you have cancer! Couldn't you have just let me keep my beautiful wife for Christmas?
DDella
You don't like it?
JJames
Well here's where the irony kicks in. I wanted to get you hairbrushes for Christmas, but the man said I'd have to sell my watch to afford them!
DDella
Oh, no! You sold your watch?
JJames
[Bleep], no! What, am I crazy?! For brushes?! I think the cat brush is just as [bleep]ing good and that thing was a buck-fifty!
DDella
So, you didn't get me brushes?
JJames
What, did they shave your ears too?! I said no, already!
DDella
Oh... [chuckles] Then what did you get me?
JJames
[gives Della a set of lingerie] Lingerie! Now, go pop that sucker on! [puts a Santa hat on Della's bald head] This too!
DDella
[drops the lingerie] Yeaahhh...I'm gonna go stay with my mom for a while.
[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]
CComet
How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!
[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]
VVoice
Help me!
Huh? Put her down, boys. [they landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well] Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?!
LBLittle Boy
[from the well] I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!
Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!
CComet
Not on my watch! [starts peeing down the well]
What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!
CComet
I saw it on Man vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!
LBLittle Boy
This rain tastes like oats.
[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]
[gets off his cell phone] The fire department's on its way.
CComet
There's no time!
Comet! No! [Comet soars in the air and dives into the well] Comet?!
CComet
Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.
[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]
FFireman
We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.
CComet
Just throw down a grenade!
What?!
CComet
Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!
PPoliceman
Your deer don't know [bleep] about grenades, does he?
He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know [bleep] about [bleep], quite frankly.
FFireman
So, listen, [the two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well] thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.
[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]
[shocked] Oh, my God! [the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint] Comet?! Little boy?!
[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]
LBLittle Boy
Thank you, Comet! You saved me!
CComet
Aw, ain't know thing.
Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-
LBLittle Boy
I love you, Mr. Comet!
CComet
I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!
[Comet and the little boy both hug]
[leaves] That still freaks me out.
CComet
[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair] Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.
[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]
[gets on Comet's back] Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.
CComet
Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!
[sighs] Fine, fine. Whatever.
CComet
Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! [soars off with Santa] Yeah! [towards the camera] And away we go!
[Christmas Special ends]
[Last lines; the boy is crying because Santa lies on the floor]
[worried] How was I supposed to know that he's allergic to nuts?!
HEHead Executive
So, to sum up, we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola.
EExecutive
I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters!
[The executives laugh]
LLarry
Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears?
[The executives laugh some more, until Santa Claus barges into the room with a grumpy look on his face; the room fall silent]
Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up.
HEHead Executive
Uh, who are you?
Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. [points to the executive 3 times] Make. Me. Laugh. [beat] Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?!
LLarry
N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that!
Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? [pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]
LLarry
How did you know that?
I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. [takes off his coat] And I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means, Larry?! [whispers] I know you're a [bleep]ing thief! [attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it; puts his coat back on] I'll expect my check in the mail. [moves the door which reveals three more scared executives who gasped] You [bleep]ers can spell North Pole, can't ya? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears... [pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag] Think again. Ho ho ho! [smiles at the executives]
[We start looking out at a cave. Caveman Santa Claus is putting rocks on bows. Caveman Santa Claus smiled. Then the Cave Girl enters the cave, rubbing her eyes. Then she sees Caveman Santa, who turns around. As he shushes her quietly, the Cave Girl started screaming. Caveman Santa Claus tries to stop the Cave Girl from screaming loudly, but he couldn't. Then two Caveman parents enter the cave. The Caveman Dad who holds a stick, is really angry. Caveman Santa Claus convinces the Caveman Dad that he's delivering rocks for Christmas, and gives himself a jolly laugh. But the Caveman Dad looks really mad. Caveman is ready to kill Caveman Santa Claus with a stick. The Cave Mom and the Cave Girl run for their lives, screaming as the Caveman Dad started killing Caveman Santa Claus. He then picked his brain up. Then we cut to the bedroom as the mom tucks her daughter up with the covers]
And that's the story of the very first Christmas.
Wait a minute, Mama. How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa?
Hmm. You're right. [we cut to outside where she is putting presents in the trash can on fire] No Santa, no Christmas, no Christmas presents.
[crying] Awwww!
Oh, you really would've liked this one.
Awwww!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Robot Chicken pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.