Sam quotes from Reaper

Sam

It's Andi. She...sort of saw me chop Jack's head off

Sock

Look at it - she's smart, she's hot, she goes to college, she works in a crap shack like this with losers like me and you. What does that tell you? Just off the top of your head.

Sam

She's got low standards?

Sock

Exactly! Use that to your advantage before she figures it out, alright? Because she will.

Sam

What?

Sock

What? What is it?

Sam

It's a Dirt Devil.

Ben

No, I take it back, Sam. That's a really evil mini-vac.

Sam

I don't know, the Devil guy was-

Ben

Messing with you! And we sell those in aisle fifteen, I think.

Sock

That'll work.

Gladys

Fugitive transfer?

Sam

Uh, yes. Yes, I think so.

Gladys

Place the vessel on the mat.

Gladys

Never seen one of these before.

Gladys

Have a nice day!

Sam

W- w- wait! Um, so, their not all little vacuums?

Gladys

The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron!

Sock

[annoyed] DMV!!

Ted

I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?

Sam

Please don't say that, Ted.

Ted

And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?

Sam

I think I want to stab myself.

Sam

God, you sound like Ted.

The Devil

Oh, that was harsh. Ted is a real douche bag.

Sam

What is Ted doing?

Andi

I put a note on his windshield. Says sorry, I hit your car.

Sam

You hit Ted's car?

Andi

Nope

Sam

Who did?

Andi

No one. But he's been looking for the damage for over ten minutes now.

Tell me about your childhood.

Sam

My parents sold my soul to the devil.

Sam

Sock, don't do anything stupid!

Sock

Sam, I am almost certainly going to do something stupid. It's in my blood. You know that.

Sam

Gladys wouldn't take the vessel.

The Devil

That's because the vessel was half-full. Or half-empty, if you're Catholic.

Sock

Do you remember a few years back there was a fire at Josie's apartment?

Sam

Yeah, right before you guys broke up.

Sock

Do you remember that it was around the time I was exploring my feminine side?

Sam

...No.

Sock

Well, mostly, I was into jasmine scented candles.

Sam

Did you burn down Josie's apartment?

Sock

It's a dark part of my life, Sam. I'm not proud of it.

Sam

Did you guys ever eat anybody?

Tony

That's offensive. [walks away with Steve] That's offensive.

Sam

What is he? A serial rapist?

The Devil

Wow, you go to the dark place fast.

Hey, this isn't a hook-up spot. You wanna get your jollies off, do it in the alley.

Sam

What did you do? Did you kill him? Is he dead?

The Devil

I don't know, Sam. I'm not a doctor.

Sam

[off-camera] He's still breathing!

The Devil

[rolls his eyes] Oh, thank heavens.

Sam

Gladys, this is Andi. My girlfriend.

Gladys

She doesn't seem to have any outward deformities.

Andi

Like, having horns on my head?

Gladys

[glances over to Sam] I like her.