Ted quotes from Reaper

Ted

Sex swings have been around for thousands of years. It's not like I invented them.

Ted

Little girl, I was working at a store when you were still experimenting with alternative lifestyles at summer camp.

Ted

As you can see, most of us are doing great in the sales contest, except for a select few who think their time is better spent constructing beer bongs.

Sock

Oh, if you are referring to me, Ted the Head? I'm biding my time. Okay? Like a snake, in the grass, ready to pounce.

Ted

That doesn't even make any sense, what you just said. And don't forget that the winner receives a free twenty-pound spiral cut ham!

I'm Jewish, you jerk!

Ted

Or a gift certificate. For our Semitic and/or Muslim friends. [happily] So go get them!

Ted

I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?

Sam

Please don't say that, Ted.

Ted

And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?

Sam

I think I want to stab myself.

Ted

What can you tell me about this can of wasted paint?

Andi

It's leaking onto your desk.