Kyle, did you wish your brother a happy birthday?
KKyle
The guy's twenty-one, lives with his parents, and wears an apron for a living. There's no happy in that birthday.
Characters
SockTyler Labine · 36 quotes
SamBret Harrison · 32 quotes
BenRick Gonzalez · 30 quotes
The DevilRay Wise · 22 quotes
NinaJenny Wade · 9 quotes
AndiMissy Peregrym · 7 quotes
GladysChristine Willes · 5 quotes
TedDonavon Stinson · 5 quotes
Mr. OliverAndrew Airlie · 3 quotes
TonyKen Marino · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Sock & Ben (13), Sock & Sam (11), Ben & Nina (8)
S1Pilot
Hey, Kyle. Don't sweat Stanford, man. I only heard it's like the... fourth best university in the U.S.. Is that right?
KKyle
You suck!
[Kyle leaves the room.]
Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed, I almost went!
[Sam and Sock are talking about Andi.]
Look at it - she's smart, she's hot, she goes to college, she works in a crap shack like this with losers like me and you. What does that tell you? Just off the top of your head.
She's got low standards?
Exactly! Use that to your advantage before she figures it out, alright? Because she will.
[Ted is stood next to a chart.]
As you can see, most of us are doing great in the sales contest, except for a select few who think their time is better spent constructing beer bongs.
Oh, if you are referring to me, Ted the Head? I'm biding my time. Okay? Like a snake, in the grass, ready to pounce.
That doesn't even make any sense, what you just said. And don't forget that the winner receives a free twenty-pound spiral cut ham!
EEmployee
I'm Jewish, you jerk!
Or a gift certificate. For our Semitic and/or Muslim friends. [happily] So go get them!
You guys should never have broken up.
Oh, I had to, Andi, because I found out that [loudly] she used to be a dude!
JJosie
I heard that you used to be a dude too.
[no comeback] Well, I heard that you had... one time... friend.
[The fugitive ripples his muscles as the Devil and Sam watch.]
Oh, gag! Look at that tool! Will you capture him already?
[Sam opens the vessel and finds a Dirt Devil.]
What?
What? What is it?
[Sam shows the Dirt Devil to Sock and Ben. Sock laughs.]
It's a Dirt Devil.
No, I take it back, Sam. That's a really evil mini-vac.
I don't know, the Devil guy was-
Messing with you! And we sell those in aisle fifteen, I think.
[Ben sets off the Dirt Devil, which drags a truck closer to them. He switches it off and the truck stops. He hands it back to Sam.]
That'll work.
[to Sam] Yes! Yes, bee-atch! You are Neo, you're The One! Eat it, Heatmeister! Oh, I have never been so attracted to a man in my life. I, that's not what I meant. Um.
Fugitive transfer?
Uh, yes. Yes, I think so.
Place the vessel on the mat.
[Sam places the Dirt Devil on the mat.]
Never seen one of these before.
[Gladys sends the Dirt Devil to Hell.]
Have a nice day!
W- w- wait! Um, so, their not all little vacuums?
The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron!
[Gladys laughs. Sock hits a 'rejection' stamp in anger.]
[annoyed] DMV!!
S1Charged
Oh, my God, we're gonna die dressed as condoms!
You need a doctor! Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo and Dr. Captain Morgan, he has two titles!
That is quite the bag o' batteries you got there, Josie. Feeling a little lonely these days?
JJosie
We're having blackouts, jackass. They're for my flashlight. And if I was lonely for you, I'd just get a pencil.
Like I haven't heard that before! Uh, wait a minute...
S1All Mine
I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?
Please don't say that, Ted.
And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?
I think I want to stab myself.
Never tell crazy that you're in it for the sex!
S1Magic
What can you tell me about this can of wasted paint?
It's leaking onto your desk.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Reaper pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.