NNatalie
We know how to use condoms, we put them on cucumbers in class.
First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for a disappointment.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family, but you nailing your great-grandmother is gonna be a real deal-breaker.
And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.
[angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.
And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.
NO!
Burt showed me his!
[Everyone looks at Burt quizzically]
I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.
So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.
Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.
[Sabrina glares at Burt; Burt recoils in fear]
There's the stare...
Jimmy...
And there's the crunch.
Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??
[During a couples compatibility game]
RBReverend Bob
A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?
The world.
[Virginia flips over her card: "The World"]
RBReverend Bob
Jimmy?
I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.
[Sabrina flips over her card: "Hope"]
Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.
[In response to the question, "What did the men say is your most embarrassing secret?"]
I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ears, so sometimes I sleep with a panty-ho on my head.
[Jimmy flips over his card: "Sits backwards on the toilet when she poops"]
I enjoy reading, and sometimes it's easy to put the book on the the back of the toil--Okay, you know what, great. Now both these things are out there and we haven't even got one question right.
WWaiter
Excuse me, sir? I cannot let you eat Mr. Jenkins' pasta in special Alfredo sauce.
Why not?
WWaiter
Because I am Alfredo.
I'll walk the 1k. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Barney's up here courageously admitting that he has a serious condition, and you guys are acting like children.
Thank you, James. At least there's someone here that knows that ABS is nothing to joke about. We need to voice our support because silence can be deadly. The fight against ABS will get the push it deserves to finally make a big splash. Sufferers of this condition are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells. It's time for this turtle's head to poke out!
Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.
Uh, Ricardo. Could you please stop pinching that loaf?
Oh, come on. Seriously?
[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]
Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
What the hell is up with your hair?
Nothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.
Well, you look like one of those birds from that Juan Valdez oil spill.
Oh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.
I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.
Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein! [Awkward silence] This... wasn't about the dirt, was it. [Awkward silence] Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13. [Awkward silence] You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.
What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene? [Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot] Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions, go ahead.
Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?
MMike
That's my worst fear; to be here one day and gone the next. Like I never even existed.
I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.
Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.
I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.
I'll fight you.
You will?
Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.
Let's do this.
If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue. And believe me, this is nothing. I've got an aunt that looks like Borat.
You get weirder and weirder every week.
All I want is a marriage like yours. One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that.
That's why you fell in love with him? Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.