Raising Hope · Season 1
[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]
What's that?
Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.
So boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?
Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.
[Apprehensively] Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?
[Finishing a Mad Lib during his bachelor party] Okay, that's the last word. So the story is: "I was 'bored' in my 'bored' hat and went to my 'boring' room, where I saw a 'bored' that was eating my giant 'this sucks'." I don't think that even makes sense.
Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole "Lucy coming back from the dead" thing. It's like, every year we think she's gone, and then she comes back in some crazy way, messes up our lives again. It's getting old.
All right, Mom. That's it. Thank you so much for this incredible gift. We're gonna cherish it forever. I'm sure we're gonna watch it a million times. And, um, when we do, I want Jimmy to hear this last part. Jimmy, you always make it seem like you're lucky to have me as your wife, but I'm the lucky one. I'm lucky to have you and Hope and your entire family in my life, and sometimes I feel like I don't say that to you enough, but it's true. And when we watch this with our grandkids one day, I want them to know how much you mean to me. I love you.
[Blows kiss to camera and walks away; Burt jumps out from behind couch and attacks cameraman]
[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]
Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.
Jimmy, my instructions were "kiss, get undressed, then do it". Not "do it dressed like KISS"!
Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs. You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish. Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready. ...Alone. On our honeymoon.
Oh, I don't know. Don't want to miss the Danish...
[puts up a hand to stop him] You're gonna want to stick around.
Child stars go downhill no matter how good they act. They could star in a Spielberg movie and still end up playing the nutty mom on some sitcom.
Which one of you is from NBC? [Executive raises hand; Burt kicks him in the groin] That's for canceling My Name is Earl!!
Over the last few years, you have been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I want you to have this.
[Hands Virginia macaroni necklace]
I see what you're doing, and it's very sweet, but--
What's my favorite color? What is it?
Orange.
And you know that because?
Because, for your wedding, you and I spent two days driving to every supermarket in town buying all the orange flowers.
And how did I chip my tooth?
You thought you could skateboard drunk on Cinco de Mayo. And you not only chipped your tooth, you sprained your ankle.
And when did I start walking again?
Three days later on Ocho de Mayo.
So, your mother never called, huh?
No.
I'm sorry.
That's okay. I'm with my family.
Jimmy, do you remember how we talked about not letting your parents drag us into something crazy every week?
I'm not one for melodrama, so goodbye forever.
Unfortunately, I took six brutal beatings before I learned there was no merit badge for cruelty, and I'd been letting the scouts pummel me for no real reason.
It's more of those postcards from my mom. What are they doing out here?
I always, um, hide them in here before you see them, because I know how much they upset you. I'm sorry.
[Sabrina kisses Jimmy]
What was that for?
Because you committed a federal crime to protect my feelings. Oh, Jimmy, don't you see? I may have saved you a couple times, but you save me every day.
I miss my prison husband.
What?
Nothin'.
There's a rip in the side of this mountain.
Of course there is. That's... "Rip Mountain".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
