Burt Chance quotes from Raising Hope

Burt

[explaining why he scares Jimmy just so he can get hugged] I'm sorry but when you turned thirteen you barely hugged me any more and then that damn high five came along. I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.

Burt

[at the first neighbor's doorstep] Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn? Cause I'm not one of those mow and blow guys. Cause I will weed, prune, plant. I'm dependable and trustworthy. Here's my card.

Burt

Also I'm a sexual offender.

Burt

Good News, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Bad News, I'm a sex offender.

Burt

Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood. It's me!

Burt

About 8 years ago, I borrowed your staple gun. Oh, also I'm a sexual predator.

Burt

Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year.

Burt

People in glass houses should not throw stones...or sleep naked.

Burt

[about picking his nose with all of his fingers] I like to mix it up. Different ones get to different places.

Burt

[to Mike] I wish your dad was here for this, but he's busy being a big throbbing tool. Let's call him up and rub the happiness in his face.

Burt

Pygmies freak me out. The women run around topless. They look like little girls with knockers.

Burt

Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good looking person without a nose...can't do it.

Burt

When it comes to being a hunter gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons. I'm not that bright, I'm not that smart, and I don't have a lot of intelligence.

Burt

No, no, no! How does a guy with one ball win a bicycle race three years in a row?! Oh, less drag! Less drag.

Burt

Just keep her away from us from now on, okay? I mean, no offense, but we're kind of done with the whole "Lucy coming back from the dead" thing. It's like, every year we think she's gone, and then she comes back in some crazy way, messes up our lives again. It's getting old.

Burt

Which one of you is from NBC? [Executive raises hand; Burt kicks him in the groin] That's for canceling My Name is Earl!!

Virginia

The hell is that?

Burt

I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.

Burt

It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.

Virginia

No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.

Burt

[about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.

Virginia

I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.

Virginia

[Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.

Burt

You know I can't think on demand like that.

Virginia

Think!

Burt

Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-

Virginia

All right, all right!

Burt

-And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!