I'm not gonna argue with her. That's what Wyatt does, and I'm gonna do the opposite.
...The opposite of the guy she has sex with. Good strategy.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You got to get your edge back, man.
I haven't lost my edge.
[walks in carrying frilly hats] It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones. I'll go make your virgin mint juleps. Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.
Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.
Hey, Frank. You seen Jimmy?
No. I haven't seen Jimmy. Jimmy who?
Jimmy, my son. He went out with you last night.
Nope.
What's with the tarp and the shallow grave you're digging there?
I may be putting in a pool. Or digging to China. What business is it of yours? I think you're the one who's shallow.
Cards on the table, Frank: Did you kill my boy?
[Jimmy catches his friends in line to see a movie spoofing him and his family]
Hey, what are you guys doing?! You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie!
To be fair, we never thought you'd find out.
Sorry, James. It looks funny. I did it for employee morale. Not yours, of course. If you were anyone but you, you'd understand.
Guys, I got a purse full of licorice--Ooh! [holds up piece of licorice to her lip like a mustache, speaks in Italian accent] Mama mia! A-what-a Christmas is this! I got to go to make-a de pizza.
[Jimmy drives away angrily]
You think he bought that?
[Jimmy is stuck in world where he never had Hope; Sabrina earlier propositioned him for money]
What are you still doing here, dirtbag? You looking to rob the place? What are you looking at her for? You think she's prettier than me? Huh? Think these were a waste of money?
No, no! They're worth every penny! Please, I need your help.
Why would I help you?
Because underneath that 30 pounds of perfectly molded silicone, I know there's the heart of a good person. God, I wish I had $20.
Have you tried making a Checker-Bucket? It's where you put the checkers in, and let them take it out one at at a time. It's good for the slower kids. That's what my parents did for me.
CCustomer
Oh, they must be very proud. Are you able to live on your own, sweetheart?
[cheerfully] Not yet.
CCustomer
Well, someday.
SMr. Swift
"I don't know" is not an answer, Mr. Chance.
It's Drakkar Noir. I hate this class. I want to live in a classless society.
SMr. Swift
Okay, you're mixing up two different uses of the word "class."
Man, why do you always have to correct everything when I talk?
SMr. Swift
It's "when I speak," and it's my job.
Well, correct this. I quit. I don't need high school. I'm gonna be a famous artist like Picasso or Ed Hardy or Vincent van - uh, van -
SMr. Swift
Gogh.
I'm going! God. Come on, Venom, we're out of here.
VVenom
Dude, did you not read the restraining order? Stop talking to me, and change your clothes. You're embarrassing an entire movement.
Cool. I'll see you at the mall.
No, no, no! How does a guy with one ball win a bicycle race three years in a row?! Oh, less drag! Less drag.
Three years ago, Barney bet me I couldn't fit ten marshmallows in my mouth. Two weeks later, we were selling our blood for some action on women's bowling. Gambling is a harsh mistress.
Did she sound snippy?
Hard to tell. Everyone's snippy with me, I'm Frank.
I hate kissing in public.
[Jimmy and Sabrina are preparing to go to sleep]
I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...
[Turns back to see Sabrina has pulled a pair of pantyhose over her head]
...We should probably talk about this.
Okay. Are you robbing me?
[Jimmy has covered himself in tarantulas to help Sabrina get over her arachnophobia]
Hey, how's it going!
[shocked screaming]
Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.
[screaming incoherently]
I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!
[panicked, terrified screaming]
Once you realize that I'm okay...
[continues to scream]
...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
[continues to scream]
What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]
Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.
[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]
Coffee?
No thanks. Do you have tea?
[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]
[in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!
[in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?
[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]
I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.
Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.
I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.
[spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon] Jennifer Aniston by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except Brad Pitt.
And John Mayer.
And Vince Vaughn.
Bradley Cooper.
And that homeless looking guy from Counting Crows.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.