Virginia Chance quotes from Raising Hope

So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged?

Virginia

Oh, no, it's completely strange.

Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family.

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You got to get your edge back, man.

I haven't lost my edge.

Virginia

[walks in carrying frilly hats] It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones. I'll go make your virgin mint juleps. Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.

Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.

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[Jimmy has covered himself in tarantulas to help Sabrina get over her arachnophobia]

Hey, how's it going!

[shocked screaming]

Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.

[screaming incoherently]

I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!

[panicked, terrified screaming]

Once you realize that I'm okay...

[continues to scream]

...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

[continues to scream]

Virginia

What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]

Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

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[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]

Virginia

Coffee?

No thanks. Do you have tea?

[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]

[in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!

Virginia

[in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?

[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]

I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.

Virginia

Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.

I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.

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Virginia

[spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon] Jennifer Aniston by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except Brad Pitt.

And John Mayer.

Virginia

And Vince Vaughn.

Bradley Cooper.

Virginia

And that homeless looking guy from Counting Crows.

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NNatalie

We know how to use condoms, we put them on cucumbers in class.

Virginia

First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for a disappointment.

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So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.

Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.

[Sabrina glares at Burt; Burt recoils in fear]

There's the stare...

Jimmy...

Virginia

And there's the crunch.

Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??

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[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]

Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

Virginia

What the hell is up with your hair?

Nothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.

Virginia

Well, you look like one of those birds from that Juan Valdez oil spill.

Oh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.

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If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue. And believe me, this is nothing. I've got an aunt that looks like Borat.

Virginia

You get weirder and weirder every week.

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All I want is a marriage like yours. One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that.

Virginia

That's why you fell in love with him? Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out.

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[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]

What's that?

Virginia

Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.

So boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?

Virginia

Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.

[Apprehensively] Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?

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[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]

Virginia

Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.

Jimmy, my instructions were "kiss, get undressed, then do it". Not "do it dressed like KISS"!

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Over the last few years, you have been more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I want you to have this.

[Hands Virginia macaroni necklace]

Virginia

I see what you're doing, and it's very sweet, but--

What's my favorite color? What is it?

Virginia

Orange.

And you know that because?

Virginia

Because, for your wedding, you and I spent two days driving to every supermarket in town buying all the orange flowers.

And how did I chip my tooth?

Virginia

You thought you could skateboard drunk on Cinco de Mayo. And you not only chipped your tooth, you sprained your ankle.

And when did I start walking again?

Virginia

Three days later on Ocho de Mayo.

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Virginia

The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.

Gross.

I assure you, it is not.

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Virginia

Bet those snobs in the hoity-toity neighborhood don't have to deal with their power going out.

Jimmy, speaking of which, that's us. Let's go home.