Ted quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Ted

I took Viagra last night! It's been 18 hours and it won't go down! What am I gonna do?

Emmett

Have you tried soaking it?

Lindsay

How about a cold shower?

Brian

How about scaring it?

Justin

That's hiccups...

Brian

Boo!

Ted

Thank you all for caring.

Melanie

What about something that would absolutely turn you off?

Brian

That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits?

Brian!

Ted

Well, don't worry, God still loves you... no matter what.

Brian

Yeah like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He better be worried about what I think about him.

Michael

How do you figure that?

Brian

In all this cold dead universe, we're the only one's that know he exists. Without us... he's nothing.

Ted

Better to join the living. Have a drink.

Justin

Have a bump.

Brian

Have a boy.

Ted

[out of breath] I can't go on. We've walked how far, 100 blocks in 100 hours?

Michael

Try two blocks in about 11 minutes.

Ted

Oh. Seems a lot longer when you're shopping for lesbians.

Ted

Look, just take it back.

Michael

I can't take it back!

Ted

What store did you buy it at?

Michael

I didn't get it at a store!

Ted

Where'd you get it?

Michael

Off a blanket.

Ted

A blanket?! You bought Lindsay and Melanie's wedding gift from some street corner Sister?!

Michael

It's from Chuck, it's a little country next to Chad.

Ted

Chuck, Chad, they sound like a couple of homo's!

Michael

It's the perfect gift.

Ted

Perfectly hideous!

Michael

It's a work of art!

Ted

It's a piece of shit!

Michael

It's symbolic of love and pride!

Ted

It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste.

Ted

I can't! [in a mocking voice] I got it off a blanket!

Michael

Look, the next time you want to buy a gift, buy it yourself!

Ted

That's what I was counting on you for.

Michael

You were too busy bringing joy to the world.

Ted

That's because I'm a success!

Michael

You can take your success and shove it... I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where!

Ted

Yeah, I'll just ask Chuck and Chad!

Brian

[about Garths party] Why would I want to hang out with a bunch of arrogant, self-important assholes?

Ted

'cause you fit right in?

Ben

Were they lovers?

Ted

Would have been better if they had been. Then Brian could have broken his heart and Michael could have gotten over him.

Emmett

Instead of always wondering what it would have been like.

Ted

I want to go to Berlin, Amsterdam, Prague...

Ben

Great art, great history...

Ted

Great men.

Brian

The reason you don't have a boyfriend is because you don't want one.

Ted

I don't?

Brian

If you had one it would challenge the well established opinion you have of yourself as a worthless sac of shit that nobody wants; therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you and you stand around here and bitch like a high school girl, when in fact you got exactly what you want, mainly, nothing.

Ted

Thank you Doctor Kinney, you've saved me years of therapy, not to mention several thousand dollars.

Michael

She hit me! My mother fucking hit me!

Ted

She's always hitting you.

Brian

That's how she shows her affection.

Michael

I mean for real.

Brian

Well, what did Mikey do?

Michael

I don't wanna talk about it..... I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop!

Ted

You know, if she keeps this up we're gonna have to take her honorary queer button away.

Michael

Where are her values? Her principles?

Brian

You know how it us when you want cock, they're the first things to go.

Brian

All your life you've been her little man and all of a sudden some big ol' dick pops up, threatens to take her away... you're hurt, you're angry... mad enough to kill.

Ted

One more word out of you and I'm throwing you out of the car... okay? even if it is yours.

Ted

[To Brian, when they're being pulled over by the police] Do you have anything on you?

Brian

Yeah, 16 pounds of cocaine and 24 ounces of heroin.

Ted

This is no time to be funny!

Brian

Who's being funny?

Are you aware you were speeding?

Michael

Oh, that must be why it felt like we were going so fast.

Ted

Michael!

You were doing 60 in a 35 mile zone.

Michael

Oh, what do you know, math. Give the officer a jelly doughnut.

Excuse me, sir?

Michael

Look, don't you have anything useful to do? Like arrest a murderer?

Ted

Jesus, what the hell are you doing?

Do you have a problem with police officer's sir?

Brian

Only one's that are boffing his mother.

Michael

Shut up, asshole.... just give me the goddamn ticket.

Ted

Aw, now he's done it.

Get out of the car, sir.

Ted

Now we're gonna get arrested.

Michael

What now, so you can work me over?

Ted

Oh, now we're going to jail.

Ted

I'm so disappointed.

Michael

I know, I fucked up!

Ted

I don't mean that. All the porno flicks I've seen that take place in prison always show these hot criminal types in heavy man-on-man action. Nothing like this.

Not exactly what I was hoping for either.

So what do you do?

Ted

I work in computers.

Sales, programming?

Ted

I run my own dot com company.

Really... an entrepreneur. So what kind of company is it?

Ted

You know... dealing with people's needs... might call it, relief work.

Somehow I knew you'd do something that involved helping others.