Ted quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Ted

The unthinkable has happened.

Brian

Ted Schmidt woke one morning from fitful dreams to find himself transformed in his bed into a giant vagina.

Ted

I'm immune...

Brian

To penicillin? To clever literary references?

Ted

To porn!

Brian

Hey what size does this come in?

Emmett

Twink, stud, and bear.

Brian

I'll take a... stud?

Ted

I'll take two!

Emmett

You're just jealous because we have what you don't.

Brian

Anal warts?

Ted

A loving, mature relationship... [to Emmett] open up for the choo-choo boo-boo!

Emmett

You know the one thing I wish more than anything in the world right now? I wish that I could talk to my best friend, Teddy. He's always so wise and caring and now he's my boyfriend and well, there's just some things you can't say to your boyfriend no matter how much you love him.

Ted

What is it?

Emmett

I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I must be crazy. I no sooner get together with this really wonderful guy, then I go and do something with someone that means absolutely nothing to me. I mean, why do I do these things?

Ted

Because you've never met a cock you didn't like. It's part of your charm, so don't be so hard on yourself. That's your best friend speaking. But as your boyfriend, I have to say that what you did was a flagrant betrayal! I'm not sure that I can ever trust you again. Then again, as your best friend, it's understandable you'd give into temptation. I mean, you've been single all these years. It's not easy to just settle down overnight. Still, it's one thing to know that as your best friend. It's another thing to accept it as your lover.

Emmett

I'm sorry, Teddy. For hurting you and for destroying what we might have had.

Emmett

I don't blame you for hating me.

Ted

I don't hate you. I love you. I know you very well... and I still love you.

Emmett

Are you saying that as my best friend or my lover?

Ted

Both.

Debbie

Do you know what MYOB stands for? [Ted and Emmett looks confused] Mind Your Own Fucking Business.

Ted

Shouldn't there be an F in there?

Emmett

Honey, all you need is a little refresher course. And who better to instruct you then Professor's Honeylocust and Schmidt?

Ted

Doctor's of Cardiology.

Ted

Hey Bri, got yourself a new boyfriend?

Emmett

He's even younger than the last one!

Brian

Where's your wife?

Ted

Went home to her mother.

Jennifer

Have you registered?

Emmett

Yeah, I signed up yesterday.

Ted

You did?

Emmett

I asked you if you wanted to take strip-aerobics.

Ted

I believe Jennifer means to vote.

Emmett

Back in Hazelhurst, I used to look up at those houses on the hill, you know, where the right people lived. And dream that one day I would live there, too. Now that my dream is finally coming true, I don't want people thinking-

Ted

-that we're the fags next door. That's what we're gonna be no matter what you do. If they don't say it to our face, they'll say it behind our backs.

I have a cousin who's a lesbian.

Big deal. My brother is a tyranny.

What's that?

Some people are so ignorant aren't they?! A transsexual. Right, guys?

Yeah... yeah... that's right. A tyranny.

Emmett

Even if worse comes to worse and you have to go to jail, it won't be so bad.

Ted

How do you figure that?

Emmett

You'll have time to read, and work out. It'll be like a spa vacation.

Ted

Oh yeah, I hear the prison guard's do a great herbal body wrap, and the chef's prepare a fabulous light cuisine.

Emmett

I'll come to visit and we'll make mad passionate love.

Ted

I doubt the state pen allows gay conjugal visits.

Emmett

They did in this film I saw.

Ted

Which one was that?

Emmett

Jeff Striker Does Hard Time.

Ted

I've been uh, thinking of a way to say this without sounding maudlin, hence incurring your wrath, so I've decided to delete any references to loyalty, friendship, responsibility, and being one's brother's keeper, and go with a simple... thank you.

Brian

Who said I was buying you lunch?