Michael quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Ben

Are you out of your mind?

Michael

You've met my mother, do you really need to ask that?

Ted

Well, don't worry, God still loves you... no matter what.

Brian

Yeah like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He better be worried about what I think about him.

Michael

How do you figure that?

Brian

In all this cold dead universe, we're the only one's that know he exists. Without us... he's nothing.

Ted

[out of breath] I can't go on. We've walked how far, 100 blocks in 100 hours?

Michael

Try two blocks in about 11 minutes.

Ted

Oh. Seems a lot longer when you're shopping for lesbians.

Ted

Look, just take it back.

Michael

I can't take it back!

Ted

What store did you buy it at?

Michael

I didn't get it at a store!

Ted

Where'd you get it?

Michael

Off a blanket.

Ted

A blanket?! You bought Lindsay and Melanie's wedding gift from some street corner Sister?!

Michael

It's from Chuck, it's a little country next to Chad.

Ted

Chuck, Chad, they sound like a couple of homo's!

Michael

It's the perfect gift.

Ted

Perfectly hideous!

Michael

It's a work of art!

Ted

It's a piece of shit!

Michael

It's symbolic of love and pride!

Ted

It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste.

Ted

I can't! [in a mocking voice] I got it off a blanket!

Michael

Look, the next time you want to buy a gift, buy it yourself!

Ted

That's what I was counting on you for.

Michael

You were too busy bringing joy to the world.

Ted

That's because I'm a success!

Michael

You can take your success and shove it... I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where!

Ted

Yeah, I'll just ask Chuck and Chad!

Michael

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with a guy?

Brian

It's too weird to talk about.

Michael

Come on, dish!

Brian

Hm.. Kinky.. Kinky... Well, one night I went to this guys house and... I stayed over.

Michael

She hit me! My mother fucking hit me!

Ted

She's always hitting you.

Brian

That's how she shows her affection.

Michael

I mean for real.

Brian

Well, what did Mikey do?

Michael

I don't wanna talk about it..... I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop!

Ted

You know, if she keeps this up we're gonna have to take her honorary queer button away.

Michael

Where are her values? Her principles?

Brian

You know how it us when you want cock, they're the first things to go.

Are you aware you were speeding?

Michael

Oh, that must be why it felt like we were going so fast.

Ted

Michael!

You were doing 60 in a 35 mile zone.

Michael

Oh, what do you know, math. Give the officer a jelly doughnut.

Excuse me, sir?

Michael

Look, don't you have anything useful to do? Like arrest a murderer?

Ted

Jesus, what the hell are you doing?

Do you have a problem with police officer's sir?

Brian

Only one's that are boffing his mother.

Michael

Shut up, asshole.... just give me the goddamn ticket.

Ted

Aw, now he's done it.

Get out of the car, sir.

Ted

Now we're gonna get arrested.

Michael

What now, so you can work me over?

Ted

Oh, now we're going to jail.

Ted

I'm so disappointed.

Michael

I know, I fucked up!

Ted

I don't mean that. All the porno flicks I've seen that take place in prison always show these hot criminal types in heavy man-on-man action. Nothing like this.

Not exactly what I was hoping for either.

Justin

[about Brian] All this time I've been fooling myself... thinking he loves me.

Michael

He does love you.

Ben

No luck in the bedroom.

Michael

That's a first.

Brian

You want too much. You expect too much. And then when your hero disappoints your poor little heart gets crushed.

Michael

So what's the alternative? To expect nothing, to want nothing like you?

Michael

Since when do you smoke?

Ben

Since I'm nervous, Michael.

Michael

Want to hear my secret fantasy?

Justin

I don't generally like discussing kink on an empty stomach.

Justin

I want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me. Who wants to stay home every once in a while. Who at least gets jealous when some other guy is sucking my dick right in front of him.

Michael

That's not Brian. It never will be.

I'm getting the doctor.

Michael

While you're at it why don't you get a brain!