Brian quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Brian

How old are you really?

Justin

20...19...18...

Brian

What is this, a missile launch?

Justin

17.

Melanie

Careful, don't drop him!

Brian

That's just what I was planning on doing.

Lindsay

We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.

Brian

What do you think?

Justin

You wouldn't survive a day in school named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.

Melanie

Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?

Brian

His name's... Juh...

Michael

Justin.

Brian

You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.

Ugh...

Lindsay

Oh Brian!

Brian

He can't help it. He's only 17.

Melanie

So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.

Brian

Mine doesn't suck on my breasts... unless I want him to.

Michael

It's kinda weird you're having a kid. Still it's exciting, isn't it?

Brian

What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?

Michael

Keep thinking like that you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh I think I see one.

Brian

There is always one solution. I could end it all right now!

Michael

That would be dramatic. Just like ER… birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!

Brian

C'mon, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!

Michael

Why am I always Lois Lane?

Brian

Fucked him.

Michael

You did not. You looked at him.

Brian

That may appear to be what happened, but we did it all.

Michael

Oh yeah and how was he?

Brian

Fabulous.

Brian

Well, here we are. Ma and Pa.

Brian

Hey...

Lindsay

Don't mind me. Just feeling a little... vulnerable.

Brian

I promise not to tell.

Lindsay

Who would have thought? You and me, parents?

Brian

It's pretty scary, boys and girls. Think it's too late to return it?

Lindsay

[whispers] We could try... [laughs] I guess this means we're finally grown-ups.

Brian

Don't say that Wendy. We'll never grow up.

Lindsay

Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could fuck up, so could we.

Brian

He's going with me.

Michael

Oh, no he's not.

Michael

None of the above. He's going home.

Justin

I'm going with him.

Brian

Good boy. You get an A+.

Brian

What the fuck are you doing here?

Justin

You said I could stay.

Brian

Right. Your parents. They think you're at a friend's. [Rises to sit on the bed, notices the mess in the loft] Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?

Brian

Don't tell me. I was doing handstands.

Justin

And juggling. You're not very good.

Brian

Shit! Why do I do these things?

Brian

I'll tell you why. It was that fucking pig Anita. She told me that was E. That wasn't E, that was some shit they cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana.

Justin

That's why you should never take drugs that aren't prescribed by a physician or recommended by a reliable pharmacist.

Brian

[laughs] What are you, a public service announcement?

Justin

[talking about Lindsay] She must have really wanted a kid.

Brian

Most women do.

Justin

Even lesbians?

Brian

Lesbians are women. Sort of.

Michael

Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?

Brian

There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.

Brian

[surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh that's beautiful Mikey. Just beautiful.

Michael

It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.

Brian

What? A couple of 12-year-olds?

Michael

They start early these days!

Brian

Here we are sonny boy.

Michael

Be sure to come home right after school.

Brian

No lingering on the playground or in the locker room with the gym teacher.

Michael

Oh you did not tell him about that!

Brian

It's the most famous shower scene since Psycho.

[passes, screams at Justin] Hey Justin, wanna suck me off?

Brian

No! [Gets down from his jeep] But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!

Justin

When can I see you again?

Brian

You can see me right now.

Justin

I mean later, tonight.

Brian

Who knows where I'll be later tonight.

Michael

We better go.

Justin

Please?

Brian

I'll see you in your dreams.