UKIP are like Top Gear for people who don't like cars.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Now. Alan, would you take a bullet for me?
Yes, Stephen.
Aw, thank you. Very good.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - YES]
Sorry: no I wouldn't!
Why do people fall over when they've been shot?
Because they've just been shot.
[Sandi shakes Jason's hand: forfeit flashes on screen]
Oh!
[forfeit klaxon goes off - BECAUSE THEY'VE JUST BEEN SHOT]
Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said: The four most overrated things in the world are: lobster, champagne, anal sex and picnics.
What wouldn't you want to get on Valentine's Day?
Chlamydia.
Perfectly reasonable response.
Is that what VD stands for?
Who would bite their arms off to get a leg over?
[presses his buzzer "Love is all around me", points at himself]
You?
[forfeit klaxon sounds - ME]
Even if we hadn't got that one ready, it would reveal what a sad act you are.
[On the short lived shop selling ice cream made from human breast milk.]
You try it once. Like incest or Country Dancing.
There is a whole generation of people, if they are channel surfing and see something in black and white, they will never stop to look at it. Which is extraordinary, given that most of the best films ever...
[incredulously] Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid?
Most of the best films ever made were in black and white, it just seems so extraordinary...
Not even Broadway Danny Rose?
I know, I know...Elephant Man.
Why did you point at me when you said Elephant Man?
A lot of military figures had articles of clothing named after them. Particularly, for some reason, the Crimean War. There was Lord Cardigan, who was in charge of the Light Brigade.
Balaclava.
The Balaclava Helmet, absolutely. And...?
Jodhpur.
Jodhpur’s a place, I think.
Doctor Martin.
The Raglan Sleeve...
Lord Bobblehat.
Now, Ladies first. [smiles exaggeratedly at Kathy Lette and Sue Perkins]
You smoothie.
[seriously] Why shouldn't you have the vote?
Doctors suggested because they thought it would make more people come forward with STDs because they would be less embarrassed to say they caught it from a lavatory seat, then that they caught it from a whore strumpet harlot.
Or parent.
Or parent. Or parent?! Don’t make me repeat things without thinking.
[on the colour magenta]
So it's a kind of can't-really-exist colour and yet it does. It's what you might call, I suppose, [chuckles] a Pigment of the Imagination.
[On Jack Whitehall's inability to drive]
AHAdam Hills
Do you think you're good in bed?
No I haven't passed that test either. I failed on three majors and one minor...
Was there an emergency stop? These are the worst...
I kept changing lanes, when I shouldn't...
AHAdam Hills
I’m not quite au fait with prosthetics, but I’ll give it a crack. [Adam Hills is well known for incorporating his prosthetic foot into his comedy routines.]
[The panel and Stephen Fry are building Lava lamps from water, oil and Alka-Seltzers]
This genuinely reminds me so much of school. You said "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzers in", and Alan said "We're putting them all in" and I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.
[In the ensuing hilarity Stephen knocks over his Lava lamp, spilling the contents]
Jimmy Carr and Ronni Ancona: [Raising their hands] Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
Alright! Mitchell, you made me laugh! I told you before...
You're in trouble!
There's nothing funny about making people laugh. Well, maybe. This isn't how it was supposed to happen at all. [large box of tissues are put on the desk] And we all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.