TV show quotes
[ Stephen has strayed into matters of female intimate anatomy]
It's like you're talking about Narnia or something. Some fantastical land you've only heard about.
You make your way through the fur coats and suddenly...
Woah. [hides his face in his hand]
What did Napoleon say to Josephine on his way back from a journey?
I sense a trap! The only thing I know about Napoleon and Josephine was he said...
Yeah?
What was it? Rob, what was it?
Phill?
Cal?
I’m gonna do it. “I’m coming back. Don’t wash.”
[The klaxon goes off – ‘don’t wash’.]
I only know the other one.
The other one, which might be...?
It’s the one, Rob, what’s it...?
Phill, you know it.
Cal...
Now what’s a male ferret called?
Jeff.
It’s probably quite lucky, isn’t it, that nothing germinates from a discarded kebab. Our city centres would be even worse if these little disgusting saplings with doner meat...
What begins with J and was used by the first man to row the Atlantic to attempt suicide?
Jizz.
Suicide by jizz?
What is the biggest joke ever to come out of Alaska?
Sarah Palin!
Within 10 years, tell me when this great, huge explosion...
1883.
1883?
Um... 1882.
Right. Ladies and gentlemen, viewers at home, brace yourselves.
Oh, hello.
The explosion, the enormous, gigantic eruption of Krakatoa was in 1883.
Thank you.
Can I just say, wtf?
There was a documentary about it on the BBC where they re-enacted it.
Well remembered.
I did have a similar experience to Jimmy’s, in New Zealand. I was going for a lady’s examination, and so lying there with this doctor doing the examination, and she was just tinkering away, and then she goes, “haven’t I seen you on Thank God You’re Here?”, which is a TV show back home, and I went, “Yes, but why are you recognising me now?”
Just out of interest, how many popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre?
How many popes? Like, buried, or in storage?
No, actually live, living popes.
One.
No. It’s actually 2.27 recurring, because the Vatican City’s only 0.44 or a kilometre. So the average would be per square kilometre.
Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the most annoying question ever asked!
There’s been a study by the RSPCA at Sydney University, they found that whipping does not have the effect of horsing a speed up... uh, speeding a horse up.
What is Australia's deadliest animal?
Oh! Rupert Murdoch!
What would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?
He gets around by swimming, and swinging on, what does he swing on, Greg?
Vines?
Whoa!
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - SWINGING ON VINES]
[points to Alan] You trapped him! Oh, Alan, you wicked, wicked - that was diabolical.
I feel really good tonight. I think I’ve finally nailed this game.
I’m going to show you another animal, it’s a common blue butterfly, that has been described by the famous naturalist Geoffrey Grigson as having a particular smell.
Finger of fudge.
Yes!
What?!
Unbelievable! I mean, I’ve got to accept that because the answer is chocolate. That is amazing.
What lives underwater and is the loudest creature for its size? [Greg buzzes in] Greg Proops?
Oprah.
Good answer, but untrue.
Is it gonna be the blue whale?
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BLUE WHALE]
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