[Police lights go on while they are speeding in a sportscar] Shit! Pull over! Steve, pull over now! I'm gonna lose my apprenticeship!
SteveThey'll definitely kick the shit out of us for having a better motor than them!
I shouldn't have let you talk me into this!
PPolice officer
[Walking to vehicle] Won the pools, have we, lads?
Steve
Hello, Officer.
PPolice officer
Step out of the vehicle, sir.
Steve
All right. [Accelerates away]
You're a fucking lunatic!
Steve
Do you want to keep your apprenticeship or not? Right, round this corner, we're gonna jump out, throw on the old cloak of invisibility, and scarper!
You and your bloody cloak of invisibility! It doesn't work, does it?
Steve
Oh, it's only cos they can see you, you pillock! [They climb up wall and look down from above at officers investigating idling vehicle] Don't forget, rehearsals tomorrow.
...
You mean... we can rehearse here as long as we want?
WSWally's father
Yep! We're rewiring the entire building. It'll take years.
WSWally's father
Just make sure I get a ride in your Rolls when you're famous. [Walks away]
Steve
Yeah, all right.
All right, good news! I've come up with a new name.
What's wrong with the old name?
Yeah, I like "The Strand".
Steve
Nah, it's boring. Like Glen's hair.
Steve
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "The Swankers".
"The Swankers"? Sounds like "Wankers".
Steve
Nah, it's edgy.
Why do you get to choose the name?
Steve
It's my band.
I can sing better than you can play. I'm the best musician.
Steve
You're also a jumped-up little ponce who likes The Beatles and minor diminished 4ths. Oh, yeah. Plus, I nicked all the gear.
Steve
Phantom of the Odeon. And, uh... I've written an original.
Steve
Yeah.
Steve
Oh, it's... It's not actually written down.
Oh! So, when you say you've "written" a song, you mean...
Steve
Look, Wally, do you remember that riff we was mucking around with the other day? It was like... we was mucking around with the other day? It was like... da-na-na-na-na-da-na-na-na-na...
Steve
Jesus! They don't call you "Wally" for nothing, do they? Glen... Do you remember the chords?
Steve
Like this: Da-na-na-na-na... Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. Glen?
Steve
Glen?
Steve
All right, play D. Yeah, Glen?
Steve
Yeah. That's it. Right, repeat it.
Give us some noise. [Plays a song] What happens next?
Steve
Uh, I don't know. I gotta come up with more lyrics.
It's a bloody good start.
Steve
Well, it's not quite The Beatles, but...
Steve
Oh, shut up, you ponce.
Steve
Right, one, two... with the music, Now we've got to think image.
Yeah, how about tight suits with white shirts and skinny ties?
Steve
Bloody hell!
No! No, like The Small Faces. We cover their songs.
Steve
No, it ain't. It's no good copying other bands. We gotta be like us.
Steve
What, four broke, working class gits who can't play for shit?
Steve
Yeah.
Steve
All them dinosaur bands with their "oh, look at me" 15-minute guitar solos, they don't mean nothing to us, cos we're just... we're pissed off, we're bored, we're trying to scrape together enough for another pint. We're invisible. No one gives a shit about us. You know? So, we don't give a shit about no one else. Maybe that should be our image. That! You know? Not giving a shit!
Steve
No! No fucking suits.
Steve
She said we could borrow clothes for the band. I won't even have to nick 'em.
Steve
Yeah. Malcolm's gonna manage us.
Did he actually say that?
Steve
Well, no, but he wants me to... you know, inspire him.
Steve
Yeah, for his revolution.
Steve
Yeah.
So... So... he's not managing us.
Steve
Not yet, but he will. I'm gonna convince him.
At least he waited outside this time.
Steve
[Groans] I don't think so.
We were taking bets on how long before they found you floating in the Thames.
Okay, move! We gotta open.
Steve
I'll give you a hand.
"Singer walking off stage before he's sung" is a novel approach.
Steve
Yeah.
Steve
Was it?
We didn't know what was happening. Your band just kept playing, and the music was really hard. You could feel their anger. But then they stopped, which was shit, cos I'd spent two hours getting ready.
Steve
Where do you get changed for work?
I come like this from home.
Steve
On the train?
Being seen is a political act. Shoving it in their stuck-up faces, bunch of hypocrites. Supposed to be a free country.
Steve
Where do you get the balls?
As you can see... I don't have any. This is a vulva-powered revolution.
Steve
Why take the train if you've got a Volvo?
[Laughs] You're funny... Kutie Jones. Tea? [Walks away]
Steve
I can't understand her half the time... but she has got guts.
Yeah. As opposed to some. Why didn't you sing?
Steve
Umm... I guess the new improved cloak of invisibility didn't live up to expectations.
Being seen is generally part of being on stage, Steve.
Steve
Do you think Viv and Malcolm would give me another chance?
Better hurry. They've been looking for a new singer.
We've been looking for you.
Steve
Give me another shot, I promise I won't fuck it up. Sorry... to swear in front of the kids.
VSViv's son
I do. I'm always getting into trouble for swearing at school. Can't fucking help it now.
Don't you worry about them smelly old fascists, darling.
What's 'other man's child' doing here?
Don't be a prick, Malcolm. He hasn't stayed in months.
Steve
Malcolm, I was just saying how I...
[To Steve] Stop. Stop. [Points past Steve] Turn around. Face the wall.
Steve
What?
[Shoves Steve] Face the wall! There. Stay. [To son] 'Real son', could you go get Daddy's sword? [Lecturing] One must die so that another may rise. When I managed The New York Dolls, I devised a provocative Situationist ploy. I thought very long and very hard about what would piss America off the most. And in a stroke of genius, I dressed them up as Chinese Communists. They looked devastating. And it was testament to the brilliance of my idea that one month later the Dolls had broken up.
MSMalcolm's son
Your sword, Sire.
Thank you very much. But on parting, Sylvain Sylvain entrusted something sacred into my safekeeping. Like Merlin giving Arthur Excalibur.
Actually, it was The Lady of the Lake gave Arthur Excalibur.
Please, do you mind, I'm trying to create a situation here.
Steve
Please stop. What's going on?
You're very damaged, which is a very good thing. It's just you're too damaged to be up front. And so you must plough that damage into the music. From now on, you shall be guitar.
Steve
Wh... What about Wally?
Well, it's absolutely forbidden for any rock star to wear spectacles.
Steve
That's a bit harsh.
Well, don't blame me! I don't make the rules. You must sack him. I assume you can play?
Steve
Um...
Good! Well, it can't be that hard! Everyone does these days. Mm! And I think we've found our new singer.
Steve
That was quick.
Well, I spotted him in the shop. His name's John.
Yes, and when he came back looking for a pair of brothel creepers in white suede, I said that I might consider giving them to him if he auditioned for us.
He wears his clothes in a very interesting way.
Steve
Got very interesting teeth, too.
I didn't notice his teeth.
Ooh, naughty, naughty. This will do very nicely for me and the missus. But what'll the kiddies wear?
Steve
Fucking hell! Pillock!
Ladies! Pretend you're on stage, and just sing along. Otherwise Steve Jones here's gonna beat the bloody daylights out of you.
Steve
We'll see. [Malcolm starts playing Alice Cooper's I'm Eighteen]
Oh, Alice. My mum loves him. [Sings along out of tune and then falls down when song's over] What is it? Bunch of morons or what? No future for John, is it? Uh, God save Johnny, Humpty Dumpty Johnny. We all fall down left and right. Blue suede, white suede... [Blows raspberry] brothel creeping bastards! I'm a boy. No, I'm a man. I'm eighteen, and I hate it! I hate it! Eighteen! Eighteen! Eighteen! Nothing but a lowlife! I hate it! Fuck it! Hate it! Suck it! Eighteen! Eighteen! Eighteen! Eighteen, and I hate it! Where's me shoes?!
Well, let's set up a rehearsal first, and then we can talk about your shoes.
Fuck that! [Throws mic on ground and walks away]
Steve
He's right. I don't think this is gonna work.
I thought it was interesting.
Steve
Maybe for a Christmas panto.
Why are you wasting my time?!
...
[Standing outside the Sex store] Open the door, please.
Do any of you imbeciles realise what's happening here? He is one of the greatest guitarists in all of England. And you are an untutored genius that, with the right guidance, could change the world.
[Laughs maniacally] You're a tosser.
Yes, I am. And I'm going to toss this boring, grey country with its corrupt Establishment right on to its inbred, self-important arse.
Now, who wants to toss with me? One rehearsal.
It will be a chance to hear England's greatest guitarist.
Steve
May as well join the tossers.
Excellent. I'll set it up.
I don't think it's right just not turning up.
Steve
Ten to one he doesn't turn up himself.
But he might, and that would be really rude.
Steve
Oh, fuck off, Florence Nightingale. You haven't even met him. He was just taking the piss.
All right. I thought he had potential.
Steve
Then why didn't you go to the bleedin' rehearsal?
No point going on me own.
We should've told Malcolm.
Steve
Malcolm doesn't care. He's probably found a dozen others by now.
Steve
Hello, Malcolm.
Why didn't you go to rehearsal?
Steve
What rehearsal?
John and his mates came to my shop wanting to kick my bloody head in.
Steve
I must've forgot.
You forgot?! You're going to apologise to John tomorrow. And, if you can't get him to come to a rehearsal, I will reconsider my managerial position. [Walks away]
Steve
Shut up!
[Steve knocks on John's door and then promptly walks away when unanswered then John opens door to see Steve's head over fence]
My, my! It's Kutie Jones. What you want?
Steve
About the rehearsals. Sorry, it was a... bit of a misunderstanding. We forgot.
Steve
Malcolm's organising another, and we'll be there.
I won't. The place was a shithole. The rats were so noisy, we wouldn't have been able to hear each other.
Steve
I'll tell Malcolm.
Steve
Good.
Steve
What?
I don't think I can be in a band called "Kutie Jones And His Sex Pistols". The name's disgusting. I might come to a rehearsal of a band called "Sex Pistols".
Steve
I told Malcolm that, too. Great.
Nice guitar. Where'd you steal it?
Steve
Malcolm gave it to me. It was Sylvain Sylvain's.
Steve
Yeah.
Steve
I'm gonna be our new guitarist.
Steve
Uh...
FWFlashback Wally
You fucking prick!
FSFlashback Steve
Well, don't blame me, I don't make the rules.
You sacked Wally?! Seriously?! Malcolm has been promising for months to put me in a band. And I can sing and play, but, no, he gives you, a meathead, druggie, felon...
Steve
Feel free. Everyone's piling it on today.
...this incredible instrument and a place in a band that you are completely unqualified for, because... because, Jonesy, one thing that British and American music share is huge, steaming piles of sexism.
Sexism has nothing to do with it, Chrissie. I am well aware of your talent, but my vision for the Sex Pistols is one of dirt, danger and desire. A band of sexy, young assassins whose instruments could just as easily be pickaxes, or shovels, or machine-guns. You're far too... accomplished for them. However, I do want you to meet with a man by the name of Mick Jones.
Now, Mick Jones is a very interesting young guitarist who is looking for a collaborator.
Steve
Sorted. But with Wally gone we've got nowhere to rehearse.
...
Come with me to Denmark... Street. London's answer to Tin Pan Alley. It's the epicentre of the music scene.
AFArchival footage man
Our Tin Pan Alley was really encompassed by the length of a street, which is still there, of course, Denmark Street. Today it's a sad place because, uh... the action has gone from there pretty well, and it's not the same kind of business. In those days, there were characters, there was tremendous colour.
I've taken out a twelve-month lease. Places like this, they don't come cheap, you know. But I said, I told them, "I don't care how much it costs, because this... is the perfect hideout for my sexy, young assassins."
Steve
Thanks, Malcolm. It's brilliant.
John comes by on Friday for rehearsals. How are you and Excalibur getting along?
Steve
Good.
Great. Ready to do battle. Mm, good. Don't let me down.
Steve
I won't.
[Steve has produced lyrics scrawled out on ripped out notebook pages]
"Give the dog a bone"? What does that mean?
Steve
When you're seventeen, all you want to do is shag.
Steve
Yeah. Just sing it.
I'm not singing that. It sounds like it's written by a moron.
Steve
Just sing it.
Steve
Don't know.
You're only twenty-nine... Got a lot to learn... You're only twenty-nine... Give the git a... Make my stomach... Nah! You're only twenty-nine... Got a lot to learn... But when your mummy dies, she will not return! That's more like it!
Steve
We like noise, it's our choice...
It's good. We're keeping that. Easy and simple.
Steve
Good. And "I don't work, I just speed, that's all I need".
Yeah, some of it's all right, Steve, if I could read it. Honestly, did you even go to school?
Steve
[Scoffs] No, not really. Don't worry, I'll work it out.
Steve
John. I know what we should call ya. Rotten. On account of your teeth.
Johnny fucking Rotten. That's brilliant! I love it. [Goes out door]
Steve
Who's he think he is?
[Watching outside] Little fucker.
[The band is performing in a club before metalheads and new wave fans]
Steve
We're the Sеx Pistols, and our singer don't like hearing himself sing. [Audience cheers] It's understandable, really.
I don't like hearing none of youse!
AAudience
You can't fսcking play! So what? Yeah, so what?
Get a haircut, you dirty hippy!
Steve
Fսck off! Sing, John.
Steve
Who the fսck are you?!
AAudience
[Repeatedly] Encore!
Fսck you! Shut the fսck up!
AAudience
[John walks over to get a chair] What's he fսcking doing? Piss off! Fսcking idiot!
[Sits in chair and announces] I always wanted to see this band. But I regret to inform you, ladies and gentlemen... [throws chair across room] that they are shit! [Band plays song that ends with punk fans getting into spitting match with metalheads]
Bored yet? Uh... You said, as soon as you have sеx, you get bored.
Steve
I said, as soon as feelings are involved, I get bored.
Mm. I'm not bored. As long as we keep it about the music.
Steve
Good. Cos I'm gonna go. All right, then.
Steve
[To Glen reading newspaper] What's it say?
Steve
Mm. Read it out.
Steve
It's our first review. Be nice for us all to hear it out loud together.
I'm not your nursery school teacher.
Steve
Sorry, I thought you were, seeing as you dress exactly like her.
[Laughs and throws newspaper across table] Read it yourself.
Steve
[Clears throat and reads] Yeah... Typical NME.
Not worth reading, to be honest.
Nah. Except for that last bit.
Yeah, Malcolm's gonna love that.
Steve
Which bit? Which bit again?
The last bit. [John comes in] Oh, finally! Now we can rehearse! Have you read it?!
Oh, I bet he's read it. I bet he's bought up every copy in Finsbury Park and wallpapered his room with it.
What do you want to be, Glen?
Steve
I know what I wanna be. I wanna be in a band where the geezer what writes the words writes some. "Lazy Sod" might be a bit simple, but it's better than fսck all, which is all you've come up with.
How am I supposed to be inspired, when my collaborators are a mummy's boy, a pleaser, and a moron?
Steve
How about I fix your teeth with my guitar? Maybe that'll inspire you.
Yeah, where's all this come from?
The NME's gone to his head.
Steve
Liar!
Steve
[Laughs at John who throws a mug at the wall shattering it then storms out] What the fսck?! My favourite mug!
We should get another singer.
[Walking out] Steve, can I have a word? I'm leaving.
Steve
Well, I doubt we'll get much done today anyway.
No. I'm leaving the band. For good.
Steve
Oh... don't be daft. You can barely play. I'm getting better.
Like John. The guy's a madman. Malcolm is Malcolm. Waste of time.
Steve
Yeah, we're gonna be good.
We don't have any songs, Steve. We're a covers band. This is so fսcking boring. I've got an apprenticeship, got a chance. Oh, yeah, your nine-to-five, eight-to-four, or whatever the fսck it is, wage slave.
Steve
Fսck off! Is that what you want? Married. Four screaming kids, and before you can blink twice, you're just another boring, defeated old cսոt. Sipping pints at the pub with that look in his eye, "Oh, I wonder where my life went?"
My mum and dad are good people, got good lives, you know that. I'm not saying they're not.
Steve
Oh, I know you haven't had none of that.
I'm sorry. I gotta do what's right for me. I'm done.
Pistol · 61 quotes
