GlenAll right, good news! I've come up with a new name.
What's wrong with the old name?
Glen
Yeah, I like "The Strand".
Nah, it's boring. Like Glen's hair.
Glen
Piss off.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "The Swankers".
"The Swankers"? Sounds like "Wankers".
Why do you get to choose the name?
Glen
I can sing better than you can play. I'm the best musician.
You're also a jumped-up little ponce who likes The Beatles and minor diminished 4ths. Oh, yeah. Plus, I nicked all the gear.
Phantom of the Odeon. And, uh... I've written an original.
Glen
Give us a look.
Oh, it's... It's not actually written down.
Glen
Oh! So, when you say you've "written" a song, you mean...
Look, Wally, do you remember that riff we was mucking around with the other day? It was like... we was mucking around with the other day? It was like... da-na-na-na-na-da-na-na-na-na...
Jesus! They don't call you "Wally" for nothing, do they? Glen... Do you remember the chords?
Glen
Try A.
Like this: Da-na-na-na-na... Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. Glen?
Glen
D.
Glen
D.
All right, play D. Yeah, Glen?
Glen
E, maybe?
Yeah. That's it. Right, repeat it.
Give us some noise. [Plays a song] What happens next?
Uh, I don't know. I gotta come up with more lyrics.
Glen
It's a bloody good start.
Well, it's not quite The Beatles, but...
Glen
It's better! It's ours.
Right, one, two... with the music, Now we've got to think image.
Glen
Yeah, how about tight suits with white shirts and skinny ties?
Glen
No! No, like The Small Faces. We cover their songs.
No, it ain't. It's no good copying other bands. We gotta be like us.
What, four broke, working class gits who can't play for shit?
Glen
What?
All them dinosaur bands with their "oh, look at me" 15-minute guitar solos, they don't mean nothing to us, cos we're just... we're pissed off, we're bored, we're trying to scrape together enough for another pint. We're invisible. No one gives a shit about us. You know? So, we don't give a shit about no one else. Maybe that should be our image. That! You know? Not giving a shit!
She said we could borrow clothes for the band. I won't even have to nick 'em.
Yeah. Malcolm's gonna manage us.
Glen
Did he actually say that?
Well, no, but he wants me to... you know, inspire him.
Glen
"Inspire him"?
Yeah, for his revolution.
Glen
"His revolution"?
So... So... he's not managing us.
Not yet, but he will. I'm gonna convince him.
Glen
I don't think it's right just not turning up.
Ten to one he doesn't turn up himself.
Glen
But he might, and that would be really rude.
Oh, fuck off, Florence Nightingale. You haven't even met him. He was just taking the piss.
Glen
All right. I thought he had potential.
Then why didn't you go to the bleedin' rehearsal?
No point going on me own.
Glen
We should've told Malcolm.
Malcolm doesn't care. He's probably found a dozen others by now.
Glen
Hello.
Why didn't you go to rehearsal?
John and his mates came to my shop wanting to kick my bloody head in.
You forgot?! You're going to apologise to John tomorrow. And, if you can't get him to come to a rehearsal, I will reconsider my managerial position. [Walks away]
Glen
You've been told, son.
[Steve has produced lyrics scrawled out on ripped out notebook pages]
"Give the dog a bone"? What does that mean?
When you're seventeen, all you want to do is shag.
I'm not singing that. It sounds like it's written by a moron.
Glen
Twenty-nine.
You're only twenty-nine... Got a lot to learn... You're only twenty-nine... Give the git a... Make my stomach... Nah! You're only twenty-nine... Got a lot to learn... But when your mummy dies, she will not return! That's more like it!
Glen
It's a little bit weird.
We like noise, it's our choice...
It's good. We're keeping that. Easy and simple.
Good. And "I don't work, I just speed, that's all I need".
Yeah, some of it's all right, Steve, if I could read it. Honestly, did you even go to school?
[Scoffs] No, not really. Don't worry, I'll work it out.
John. I know what we should call ya. Rotten. On account of your teeth.
Johnny fucking Rotten. That's brilliant! I love it. [Goes out door]
Glen
He's just... weird.
[Watching outside] Little fucker.
[Malcolm and the band are watching Rick Wakeman]
Rick Wakeman. This is what rock 'n' roll music has become. A mind-numbing sedative for the masses and another means of control. But I... have managed to secure you your very first gig, supporting Bazooka Joe at the Saint Martin Art College.
Glen
Actually, I got us the gig. I am a student there.
Details, Glen. The point is... is that this is it, boys. This is your big break. Tomorrow night, we launch our mission of destruction.
[To Glen reading newspaper] What's it say?
Glen
Typical NME nonsense.
Glen
Why?
It's our first review. Be nice for us all to hear it out loud together.
Glen
I'm not your nursery school teacher.
Sorry, I thought you were, seeing as you dress exactly like her.
Glen
[Laughs and throws newspaper across table] Read it yourself.
[Clears throat and reads] Yeah... Typical NME.
Glen
Mm.
Not worth reading, to be honest.
Glen
Nah. Except for that last bit.
Yeah, Malcolm's gonna love that.
Glen
Yeah.
Which bit? Which bit again?
Glen
The last bit. [John comes in] Oh, finally! Now we can rehearse! Have you read it?!
Glen
Oh, I bet he's read it. I bet he's bought up every copy in Finsbury Park and wallpapered his room with it.
What do you want to be, Glen?
Glen
You what?
I know what I wanna be. I wanna be in a band where the geezer what writes the words writes some. "Lazy Sod" might be a bit simple, but it's better than fսck all, which is all you've come up with.
How am I supposed to be inspired, when my collaborators are a mummy's boy, a pleaser, and a moron?
How about I fix your teeth with my guitar? Maybe that'll inspire you.
Yeah, where's all this come from?
Glen
The NME's gone to his head.
[Laughs at John who throws a mug at the wall shattering it then storms out] What the fսck?! My favourite mug!
Glen
We should get another singer.
[Walking out] Steve, can I have a word? I'm leaving.
Glen
How's that for a melody?
Was that last chord a 'B' suspended 7th of an augmented 'E'?
Glen
[Laughs] Don't be ridiculous. Just an 'E' on the bass over...
Oh, Jesus! Glen! We're not in a Paul fսcking McCartney fսcking tribute band!
Glen
It's a great melody!
If you're a pensioner! What are the chords?
Glen
'C' suspended 2nd.
'C'! [Plays amplified riff] Right? But played like a punch in the face. Next.
Glen
'F' major 7th suspended 2nd.
Glen
Yes, that's it.
[Plays amplified riff] Right? Played like a kick in the guts.
Glen
'E' on the bass over an open 'C'.
'E'! Played like a fսcking sеx Pistol! [Plays amplified riff repeatedly]
[Comes in and repositions mic stand] Give me a tune. Give me a tune, and I'll give you words.
Glen
What do you think?
DDave
That has got "hit" written all over it.
Glen
Cheers.
DDave
When you get your new recording contract, I'd definitely suggest this is your first single.
Thank you, Dave! Next time I need advice from a stoned-out hippy, I'll know precisely where to turn. In the meantime, please stick to your assigned role as a third-rate sound engineer.
Glen
He's just jealous cos I wrote the tune and most of the lyrics, apart from that rewrite you did on the 2nd verse which admittedly is an improvement.
The only thing that makes it not an ABBA song, is that I sing "pretty va-cunt", whereas you wanted "pretty vacant".
Glen
Dave's right. When we present to potential record companies...
Ugh! Are we fighting again?
JJohnn
"Pretty Vacant" does not represent us as a band.
Glen
Oh, no, not like "Anarchy". "I'm an anarchist. I'm an Antichrist." Do you know what a hard time my mum gets at work over those lyrics?
Because "anarchist" and "Antichrist" don't rhyme?
I'm the one who people notice. And I'm the one who bears the consequences, so pardon me, Glen, if I don't give A FUCK, what your mum thinks!
[Band is pushing the van] Fսcking hell! Go on, Cookie, push!
Glen
Are you doing anything?!
My foot's all the way down! Get in! Wait!
Glen
I'm up front. I'm the navigator.
I'm up front. I'm the star.
Glen
No, you're not.
M1Man 1
You're not special!
M2Man 2
Get here, you fսcking cսոt!
Glen
[To bartender] There's gonna be a riot! Come on!
Oh, look, the northern oafs are snogging. I didn't know Barnsley was this brutal.
BBartender
To be honest with you, son, it's like this most Saturday nights.
Glen
It's Wednesday.
[Van pulls into gas station] You fool! I'm starving. It's obscene.
Well, I've only been provided with money for petrol and accommodation.
We can't work if we're starving.
...
Glen
[John reaches for his shoplifted candy bar stash that the band is digging into] Hey! No, no, no! You're the star. You stay in the front. Yeah, go on! [John displays a vulgar gesture]
[Band has arrived at an upscale hotel] What's Malcolm playing at, sending us on this tour of England's biggest twat-holes?
Glen
Isn't exactly our target audience, is it?
What? Look at the legs on that one.
Glen
Yeah, I've seen 'em.
Glen
Yeah, I know.
...
SWSenior woman
[Steve belches] Disgusting!
[Band has taken places at stage] Hello, Whitby or Shitby or wherever we are. Do you want to hear something real?
...
BBernadette
Could you turn it down a bit, please? The sound. Turn it down! The sound! We've got Bingo on in the Lesser Ballroom. They can't hear the numbers.
BBernadette
Bingo, yeah. Next door. [Bernadette runs to the washroom to glam herself up and rejoins the performance with her boyfriend in kissing embrace on deserted audience floor]
Hey, it's Bernadette. It's Bingo!
This one goes out to Bingo and her boyfriends!
[Looking around perplexed] Oi... oi! What's that noise?
Glen
Get out! You never once got taken to the seaside?!
My childhood wasn't quite the lap of luxury yours was, Glen.
Even us impoverished Irish immigrants had the occasional seaside holiday. Poor, underprivileged Jonesy.
Pistol · 61 quotes
