On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the ground. I regret nothing. The end.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
One.
That's it? One drink?
One shelf.
Do you exercise?
Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Do you have any history of mental illness in your family
I have an uncle who does yoga.
Allergies?
Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts
Sexual History?
Epic and Private
Pop quiz. Name the scent.
Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.
Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?
OOrin
I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
Get out.
OOrin
I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]
I liked him.
April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion bottles]
I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.
I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
[smiles] Really? Thanks.
Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.
I keep getting outbid by someone called Tall Tyrion Lannister. What kind of name is that?
Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
No, do you?
Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! Everyone on that show can get it!
Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
You're futuremrstigerwoods?
I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.
Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I love you.
Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.
Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.
What- no!
Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?
Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. [pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
This is why we don't hang out.
One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.
My spirit blood is on your hands.
Ron, ask me if I am sad.
No
Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is like a giant puppy with no shame.
I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.
Look, Hogwarts.
No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.