Victor quotes from One Foot In The Grave

Victor

[lying on floor, talking to Margaret] You know I never watch the weather forecasts. If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon, how can you enjoy the morning? Best not to know about it. It's the same with life in general, there are certain things you don't ever want to think about.

Victor

Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does! Did you see that? Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend only having sex in the back seat of our car Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension They didn't even stop when I opened the door Stark naked, the pair of them And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area.

Victor

You mean I was fart-arsing about in front of an armed psychopath doing ruddy tai chi exercises jamming my hands in the air like a simpleton I could've ended up with a bullet through my [realises his cap may have got the hole from a rifle] ...

Victor

It was Bovril flavour today.

Margaret

What?

Victor

The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.

Margaret

[On Victor being made redundant] What did they say?

Victor

"Bugger off", I think was the general gist of it.

Good afternoon. You're...

Victor

Victor Meldrew the Crimson Avenger!

Could you tell me what exactly was the problem with the car?

Victor

What? You mean you don't know what's wrong with it yet?

Well, we know what's wrong with it now.

Margaret

You've got a whole new life ahead of you Victor. I mean, you've hardly started. Got it all still to come.

Victor

I know. That's what scares me.

Victor

I'm sorry about that. I really am.

Mrs. Warboys

I got about halfway through and that was as much as I could stomach, I'm afraid.

Victor

Well, you know what it's like. The man in the shop said it was just good harmless family entertainment.

Mrs. Warboys

Harmless? When that man in the spacesuit [she puts her right hand in front of her face] got that thing... [she makes a face] It was two and a half hours before I could leave the bathroom.

Victor

[not really listening] Dear, oh dear.

Mrs. Warboys

Anyway, what time do you have to be at the airport?

Victor

[looks at his watch] Oh, we've got another two hours. We should be fine.

Mrs. Warboys

Well, tell Margaret thanks very much and have a nice holiday, won't you? Both of you? And go easy on the ouzo.

Victor

Yes, we will, thank you very much. [he turns to leave] We'll see you when we get back.

Mrs. Warboys

Send me a postcard. [she picks up her spoon, then taps one of the eggs. Unbeknownst to her, it's one of the alligator eggs the dustman gave to Victor. She finally breaks it, then, horrified at what she sees, she screams.]

Mrs Warboys

Evening, Mr Meldrew. I can't stay long...

Victor

Right you are. Bye! (slams the door)

Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Victor

[with poorly concealed menace] Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry.

[contemptuously] I should think so.

Victor

[louder] Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain! (does so)

Victor

You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out!

Mrs Warboys

Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?

Victor

Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A!

Margaret

Who is she?! Have you, have you been-?! Tell me you haven't been sleeping with this! Who is she?!

Victor

[confused, stammering for an explanation] I, I thought it was you! [Margaret's expression becomes one of offended outrage]

Margaret

[offended] Thank you very much! I mean, where did she come from?! And what on earth is she doing? AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL AM I WHISPERING?! This is my bedroom! I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?! To come home, and find your husband has taken up necrophilia!

Victor

I've got a spider in my flies. Look at that; there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.

Margaret

Are you sure he's not struggling to get out?

Victor

There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.

Margaret

I expect. Be at home among the cobwebs.

Victor

[last lines] [to Margaret] You were always my first choice.

Victor

[to Margaret] Why do people always want to meet up?

Margaret

[later in episode, to Victor] It's like you say. Why do people always want to meet up?