One Foot In The Grave quotes

Victor

It was Bovril flavour today.

Margaret

What?

Victor

The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.

Victor

I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide: The Observer's Book Of Crap On Your Front Lawn. Give me something to do in the years ahead.

Margaret

[On Victor being made redundant] What did they say?

Victor

"Bugger off", I think was the general gist of it.

Good afternoon. You're...

Victor

Victor Meldrew the Crimson Avenger!

Could you tell me what exactly was the problem with the car?

Victor

What? You mean you don't know what's wrong with it yet?

Well, we know what's wrong with it now.

Margaret

You've got a whole new life ahead of you Victor. I mean, you've hardly started. Got it all still to come.

Victor

I know. That's what scares me.

Victor

She can't be dead, she's a bloody health and fitness instructor!

Victor

Welcome to stiff city. The dead of two world wars.

Victor

[coming in with chocolate wrappers]Seven chocolate wrappers today. Makes you wander why the bother about funerals anymore. [Imitating punters] "Grandma's dead. Shall we bury her?" "No, just sling her over that bloke's fence."

Victor

[pretending to talk to someone on the telephone] Victor Meldrew's Public Dosshouse Limited. Yes, we're taking bookings through to the end of April '92...we do have a last-minute cancellation. Mahatma Gandhi is just leaving.

Victor

What in the name of sanity ...

Victor

[after his unwanted hat was yet again returned to him] No, I don't believe it! [Reading a letter] Kindly refrain from dropping your cast-off hats in other people's building skips. A skip such as this cost us £25 a day and is not outside our house as a general rubbish receptacle for the use of all and sundry in discarding unwanted items of headgear. [Looks at the hat] How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody thing? I suppose I could go out into the garden now and bury it. Then someone will come up to us at the Acropolis and say 'Is this your hat?' How did they know where to send it, anyway?

Victor

I'm sorry about that. I really am.

Mrs. Warboys

I got about halfway through and that was as much as I could stomach, I'm afraid.

Victor

Well, you know what it's like. The man in the shop said it was just good harmless family entertainment.

Mrs. Warboys

Harmless? When that man in the spacesuit [she puts her right hand in front of her face] got that thing... [she makes a face] It was two and a half hours before I could leave the bathroom.

Victor

[not really listening] Dear, oh dear.

Mrs. Warboys

Anyway, what time do you have to be at the airport?

Victor

[looks at his watch] Oh, we've got another two hours. We should be fine.

Mrs. Warboys

Well, tell Margaret thanks very much and have a nice holiday, won't you? Both of you? And go easy on the ouzo.

Victor

Yes, we will, thank you very much. [he turns to leave] We'll see you when we get back.

Mrs. Warboys

Send me a postcard. [she picks up her spoon, then taps one of the eggs. Unbeknownst to her, it's one of the alligator eggs the dustman gave to Victor. She finally breaks it, then, horrified at what she sees, she screams.]

(cheerfully) Remember me? Nick Swainey, Outwardbound for the Elderly. I called round that day and you told me to piss off.

Victor

[talking in his sleep] Watch out, he's got the pastry. He's got the pastry!

Victor

[talking in his sleep] Not with the pastry... Not with the pastry!