Most-quoted character in One Foot In The Grave: in 60 of its 85 quotes Most scenes with: Margaret (6), Mrs. Warboys (3)
Lines by Victor 48
Victor
I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. [to the woman] Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. [to the man] You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!
WHAT IN THE NAME OF BLOODY HELL?! I do not believe it! In the name of sanity! I do- well, that's it! That's just about the absolute limit of all bloody time! [Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number] I mean, what was he- HELLO! I'd like to speak to the manager please, and be quick about it! Meldrew. No, he doesn't but he will shortly! Hello, is that Mr. P.T. Sturgeon? Yes, well it's about a large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning. Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been Frank Spencer! Well I'll tell you exactly what the problem is, Mr. Sturgeon! I was out the back, working in the garden when he arrived, so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done?! He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind! A mistake anyone could have made?! Are you stark- I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?!
What in the name of bloody hell...?! I do not believe it! [Victor pulls a toupee out of the bread loaf, then reads the label] "J.L. Dinkins, Hairpieces of Distinction"?! Well, that just about takes the biscuit! I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough?! I mean, he must have realised it had come off, for God's sake! Well, this is just about it, this is the absolute limit of all bloody time! [Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number] I mean, what am I going to find next?! A false arm in the French stick?! Glass eye staring up at me out of the coconut meringues?! [Victor briefly tries on the hairpiece] Absolutely bloody hideous! It'd be much more sensible wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! How anyone could be so-Hello! Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager please and quick about it! Meldrew. NO HE DOESN'T BUT HE BLOODY WELL WILL SHORTLY!
[Talking about 1992 General Election result] I couldn't believe that last election result. It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor. [imitating parent] "Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time, but I still think it deserves another chance."
[to Mrs Warboys] Yes, it generally does. One thing you can be sure about in life, just when you think that things are never ever going to get better, they suddenly get worse!
"Question: What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes? Answer: They're both useless tossers!!" Well, that's incorrect. That's not the difference; that's what we have in common!
I can only think of one thing worse than dying. And that's living forever. I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be? If I was just always here, for ever and ever and ever.
I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it? I always knew that degree course I took at Worzel Gummidge College, Cambridge would pay off eventually.
I mean we were just asking for trouble weren't we? Leaving Mrs Warboys to hold the fort when this arrived (points at massive 50' telly) [imitating Mrs Warboys) It's a whopper isn't it Mr Meldrew.
One Foot In The Grave · 85 quotes
Victor
